Wednesday, November 21, 2007

DCMM: My Manifesto: Why Trees Are Lame

1. Trees have lots of leaves. Gajillions. And they drop them all. And then they re-grow them the next year. And then they drop them again.

2. Trees don't care if everyone in your house will happily ignore dropped leaves until you have to rake them yourself or risk the neighbors whispering about you all winter long.

3. Trees don't care if you dragged your two year old out in the cold yesterday afternoon to rake a giant pile of leaves. They will drop a brand new blanket of leaves overnight making it look as if you never raked at all.

4. The piles of leaves are never as soft and fun to jump in as they look.

5. Even if you live somewhere where a big truck comes along and sucks up all the piles of leaves from the curb, the trees will still drop their leaves waaaaaaaay in the back of the yard so you have to drag them all the way up to the street.

6. If you are unfortunate enough to live in a climatic vortex of your neighborhood, your trees will remain green well into November, thus causing you to miss the leaf pick-up day.

7. Some trees have tiny, tiny little leaves that are too small for rakes to efficiently collect. Little-kid rakes will pick these leaves up, but little kids tend to rake away from the pile. And grownups who try to use the tiny rakes end up with bad backs.

8. Trees drop their leaves near house entrances, causing even freshly vacuumed and mopped floors to look dirty because of all the little crumbs of leaves that get tracked in.

Addendum—Why People With Super Clean Lawns Are Lame: No matter how I try, I can't manage to rid even a small area of my yard completely of leaves. I'm basically waging a battle of percentages. (If fifty percent of the leaves end up in a pile, that's a success.) Yet somehow there are people who can eradicate every trace of autumn from their yards. I hate them just as much as I hate the trees.

Jean avoids doing chores like raking by blogging at Stimeyland.

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