Well, here we are at the end of the year. I was trying to think of a way to wrap up the year in a poignant yet hilarious way. Naturally that didn’t happen. So I decided that I’d just let Google do it for me. (Google search terms in bold.)
Because I started blogging in March, lets just assume that January and February didn’t happen. You can ignore March as well, because it was mostly a festival of stories about Quinn’s poop. And we’ll see more of that later. Oh, you bet we will.
Perhaps my most common Google search term is for wonder pets cape. I blogged about that early on, and have continued to do so pretty much on a weekly basis since. (My kids really like to dress up like the Wonder Pets.) I did like the evil wonder pets variation. There are also people looking for gerbil wearing a cape. And for the person concerned about Wonder Pet Gerbil type? His name is Linny, and he’s a guinea pig.
I am also apparently the reigning internet expert on autism and constipation, which is unfortunate, because although I did write about autism and constipation, I was referring to two different people at the time. And I haven’t figured out any answers for either of those people (Jack and Quinn, respectively) anyway.
Thankfully, not many people come to me with searches for autism, because I don’t really know what I’m doing. I do, however, know all about ass burger syndrome.
As for constipation? Well, let’s see what answers I can find for the lost searchers out there:
enemas and suppositories fun. Not so much.
diaper change after enema It’s generally a good idea.
quinn poop Yes. Yes he does. Occasionally.
glycerin suppository “go out” Actually quite an apt description of the result of such a suppository.
happy birthday cow poop I wouldn’t consider cow poop to have a birthday, but feel free to celebrate it anyway, you crazy Googlers.
suppository diaper doodle Hmmmm. Is it like a cheese doodle?
poop poop a doop Who else is singing this song?
pooping regularly Rub it in, why don’t you?
During caterpillar season I wrote a post about caterpillaracide. This spawned a couple of excellent searches: zombie caterpillar and my caterpillar is not moving, but it is alive. To the second searcher, I offer this information: animals sleep.
I also end up with a lot of people looking for purple plastic elephant-shaped pools. Which is ironic, because I also Googled this very same thing before this post. And apparently Scoobas break a lot, and in the exact same way mine broke. I can only hope I’ve helped. There is also a surprising number of people looking for orange apples.
And there are a lot of people interested in children who burp. And who want to know the rules for burp thumb forehead. (It’s simple: someone burps, everyone puts their thumbs on their foreheads, and the last person who does it… Hmmm. Maybe I’m going to need to Google the rules.) People also want to know how to burp on demand. I’ll ask Jack.
I wrote about my love affair with Diet Coke and its various formats and costs. You’d be amazed how many people are looking for cheap diet coke and its inferior cousin, cheap diet pepsi. Sorry, guy who was looking for jack and diet coke. I don’t think I was what you were looking for. But I’m not sure why you’d need to look up how to make that drink on the internet. And for the person looking for cheap diets for moms? I have the cheapest diet of all: don’t buy food. (I’m still working on that one myself.)
If you follow Jack and his interests, you are probably aware that the kid really likes to spell. Apparently now Google thinks I might be able to help some of these people:
how do you spell quinn Q-U-I-N-N
how do you spell pretty Just like that.
how do you spell girbil? Not like that.
spell the cat noise M-E-O-W?
words that spell with abcdefg None that I know of.
and my personal favorite: how much words can I spell with letter smiles There is no emoticon for what I am feeling.
I was happy that people found my obituary for Kurt Vonnegut. There seem to be a lot of people out there who want to find out more about the unwavering band of light, who see the beauty in art a child could create (the painting did not exist until I made it), and who believe everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. Oh, Kurt Vonnegut, how I loved you.
And just for your amusement, here are some of my favorites:
brilient idea If you’re looking for a brilliant idea on Google, at least you should spell it correctly.
what if cat eats polyurethane + poison Dude, don’t Google me—go to the vet! Or the pet store for a new cat.
what time of the year are jelly fish bad on the gulf coast I don’t know, but I can tell you when they’re bad in the Patuxent River.
economical stuffed toy spiders Sorry, I only know where to find the expensive stuffed spiders.
pee locker I don’t want one.
fireworks-good or bad Um. Good.
my puppy ate a piece of Styrofoam I don’t think it’s as bad as polyurethane and poison, but I don’t think it’s good.
the giant horse on the today show I missed that one, but I wish I’d seen it.
funny missing cat posters Ah, that bastion of humor: lost pets.
bastard children behavioral issues Yeah, those bastard kids. They’re trouble.
vomit cakes Ick.
witch hat cooking activity for preschoolers Do you think the preschoolers are cooking the witches or the other way around?
how to get perfect children, moms of perfect kids, they have a “perfect” child You probably shouldn’t be looking here.
Thank you for indulging me in my Google search term post.
Happy New Year!