Thursday, December 20, 2007

Um. Yuck.

In preparation for the impending descent of my mother-in-law, followed shortly thereafter by the descent of my mother and stepfather, I've been doing some cleaning at my house.

And I've not just been dusting and wiping. I've been moving furniture, smoothing rugs, and picking goo out of corners.

And you know what? I've learned a few things.

1. If you're overweight at all, don't crawl under your childrens' bed to clean out all the crap from underneath it. Oh, sure, you can get in there, but it's harder to army crawl in reverse to get out.

2. After you learn the truth of the above and send your son in, listen to him when he starts screaming and crying because he's terrified of the mutant, hissy, extra-toed cat your sister sent to you (thanks, Ann) and don't make him go back in. Know that a toy light saber used as a poking device is a great way to evict a cat from under the bed. Although you should also know that this method may piss the cat off.

3. Don't let your children eat in their bedroom. In particular, steer them away from apples. Because even if they swear that they're throwing the cores away, they're not. They're throwing them off the side of the bed to languish and rot underneath. That shriveled, furry, brown thing you just dug out from under your kid's bed? Yeah, that's an apple core.

4. Rugs creep. No matter how hard you try to keep them straight and unbumpy, and even if you think you regularly walk in more than one direction on it, a rug will move and crease in one direction over and over again.

5. You don't want to find a lemon under your couch in December. Incidentally, a lemon that has been sitting in one spot for a long time will become oddly juiceless. Its rind, while not classically moldy, will turn green.

6. Popcorn gets everywhere. Never let anyone eat popcorn inside your house.

7. The tiny basketball your kids lost 45 seconds after you opened the basketball game box? The one you looked for under the couch time and time again? The one you were convinced was down a heating vent or long lost in the trash? It's probably hiding behind a lemon. Also be aware that as soon as you find that one, so you again have a full set, you will immediately lose a different one.

8. The sock troll who steals one of each pair of socks? He doesn't live in the dryer. He lives under the ottoman.

9. But the coup d'etat? You know the mini pumpkins that are popular around Halloween? If left unattended under, say, a crib for, oh, let's say nearly two months, it'll shrink and grow a luminescent white gauzy cover. This one was small to begin with if I remember correctly, but, c'mon. Look at it.

8 comments:

  1. It's a shrunken pumpkin head!

    anne at annenahm.com

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  2. I have in-laws coming on Dec. 28th. Don't forget the goo around the sink, counter and stove...toothpicks work great. That's what I've been finding this week.
    After looking at your list, I'm not so sure I want to continue to the kids rooms!

    ~C

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  3. hahahah! I regulary find apples and popcorn under Moosie's bed (among other places) even if no new apples have been bought or new popcorn has been made since the last time I cleaned (????) and I found a minipumpkin and apples in the car today, oddly well preserved!

    And "~C", you actually clean the goo? If I acknowledged that nastiness, who knows what I might find? Maybe a minature living colony of a grease-amoebas thought to be extinct?

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  4. Ooooh! Such a tiny pumpkinlette! Sounds like there IS a bright side (besides the resulting clean house) - none of the foodstuffs you retrieved had melted into an oozy mess. That's what happens if you leave that stuff in a drawer in the fridge too long. I'm going to start storing my excess fruit and veggies under furniture!

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  5. Unfortunately several of those are all too familiar. The pumpkin is like a magic trick though, awesome!
    Cheers

    This is my calling card or link"Whittereronautism"which takes you straight to my new blog.

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  6. C, I'm with Ange. There's no way in hell I'm toothpicking my goo. I salute you though!

    Thank you all for affirming my belief in what seems to be some sort of weird pumpkin voodoo.

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  7. Laughing. Too. Hard. To. Speak.

    The last time my MIL was here (um, last week), she was after me constantly to pick up this and clean that. Mostly really obscure things that I had stopped noticing, like the old tiles in the shower and such. When I finally got a chance to lie on the floor and play with the baby, she offered, "Dear, it's really time to clean out this old stack of magazines. Don't you think?"

    Different. Generations.

    Deep breaths, baby.

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  8. Good God. That is quite a pumpkin.
    p.s. (whisper) I clean with toothpicks too.

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Thanks for commenting! May you be visited by unicorns and kittens.