Trains, Planes & Automobiles

Trains: The goddamn Thomas the Tank Engine book Quinn made me read 50 times on a three-hour flight this morning.

Planes: Two flights. One difficult. One totally awesome due to severe napitude.

Automobiles: Rental car, for which we had to wait with three kids who had been trapped in small spaces for many, many hours. For some reason, Jack tried to throttle a tree. True story.

*****

A Quiz:

1) If your husband says, “On the plane I’ll take Sam and Jack and you take Quinn,” do you:
a) Assume that one child is easier than two and agree without a second thought? After all, when he’s strapped into his car seat in the car, he’s not that big of a problem.
b) Realize that Quinn is far more likely to be a major nightmare than the other two and tell your husband, “Hell to the no!”

2) If you are on an airplane sitting between Quinn and a chatty 20-something, who do you talk to?
a) The oddly chatty 20-something who is going out of her way to let you know that she doesn’t mind sitting next to a kid, but whose chattiness is keeping you from taking care of your child.
b) Quinn. You’ll never see chatty gal again, and you should probably keep your toddler busy.

3) If you are a father and your six-year-old starts to puke on an airplane, do you:
a) Gesture frantically to your wife who is sitting three seats to your left on the other side of a chatty lady.
b) Take care of your child.
EDITED TO ADD: Alex strenuously objected to this quiz question. He did some frantic gesturing and used words like “total” and “bullshit.” So in the interest of fairness, I will change (a) to: “Gesture frantically at your wife who is sitting three seats to your left on the other side of a chatty lady. Then take care of your child. Then fold barf bag up and place it on your tray table without complaint, where it will sit, looking politely like a sack lunch, until a flight attendant wanders by twenty minutes later to take it.”

4) If you are on your second flight of the day and the plane hasn’t taken off yet, but your toddler already seems to be asleep, do you:
a) Wake him up in an ill-fated effort to make him more comfy.
b) Follow the cardinal rule of “Never wake a sleeping child on an airplane, even if you lose a limb due to lack of circulation because he is leaning on an important artery.”

5) If your child is snoring loudly and is clearly having trouble breathing around the gigantic boogers you can SEE in his nose, do you:
a) Forget any lesson learned from Question 4 and try to scrape out said boogers with your fingernail.
b) Let the kid snore.

If you answered a) to more than one of these questions, we could use you on Team Stimey. If you answered b) to more than one of these questions, what are you doing here? Do you just come here to make fun of me?

*****

My high point:
My brief moments of brilliance in the Houston airport where I led the kids in a rousing game of Simon Says and laid out a blanket on which we had a “picnic.” Kudos to Alex for packing such an excellent lunch.

My low point:
Although I packed everything I might possibly need for myself for the next six months, including two kind of hair brushes and three pairs of shoes, I forgot to pack toothbrushes for my children. Well, it’s not like they’re permanent teeth, right?

11 thoughts on “Trains, Planes & Automobiles

  1. Well, I answered mostly a’s but I DO come here to make fun of you. Er, um, I mean laugh with you! ;-)

    Happy Mother’s Day…if you survive!

  2. “Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs… since the payment is pure love.”

    Happy Mother’s Day to a loving mom like you…

  3. Happy Mother’s Day!

    Six years of flying back and forth from NY to LA with my son has taught me some valuable lessons. Sadly, I have to relearn them every time we board the damn plane!!

  4. I always make the “wrong” choic which ends up leaving me screwed and hoping I’m not angering the rest of the plane. And there was the time my husband deplaned to meet some of our friends with “mystery poop” on his shirt. Thank goodness they were parents too. Happy Mother’s Day!

  5. Hey, I’m new!

    OMG, what a funny post!!! I always, always would SAY, leave the sleeping kid ALOOONNNEEEE, but in reality, those swinging boogers would get me every…freaking…time. If only they didn’t ooze like that….. no, no, they have to go.

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