Tuesday, July 29, 2008

How to Save Up For Your Vacation

Alternatively titled: "How Can a Post About Money be So Graphic About Poop?" or "Who's the Idiot Taking All the Photos at the Bank?"

1. Create a Middle of the Night Fund. This is a box made up of money taken out of your pockets before you go to bed at night. You will use it on the occasion that you need to bail from your home like RIGHT NOW and it's helpful to have some cash with you.

Like when you find out your husband is actually a serial killer and has dismembered his prior families and left them strewn all over the Midwest, and this news comes to you in the form of an anonymous phone call at midnight just before you discover some corroborating evidence and so have to grab your kids, your keys, and your Middle of the Night Fund and run for your lives. That's what a Middle of the Night Fund is.

2. Put another box next to your Middle of the Night Fund in which to put your spare change at night. If When you have to flee your home, you can grab this too if you want. You know, in case you have to park at a meter.

3. Give your husband a giant piggy bank.

4. Commence to saving.

5. Shortly before vacation, dump all of your coins on the floor and watch your husband get up close and personal with his pig to dig his coins and bills out. Roll in the money.

6. Watch as your five-year-old swallows a coin. Demand advice from Twitter. Call (closed) pediatrician's office. Then call poison control. Please note the order of those steps. God forbid a real emergency ever occurred. Imagine that tweet: "Husband is serial killer. Is midnight. What to do?"

7. Learn that as long as your five-year-old is not exhibiting certain signs, that he will probably be okay. But you should watch his "stool" to wait for the coin to emerge. Parent Center recommends scooping up his poop with a strainer and running hot water over it. Torture your Twitter buddies (and later your blog readers) with that information. (Days later poison control will call back, looking for, I swear to God: "closure." Unfortunately, having not strained your child's poop, you will not have "closure.")

8. Take coins to the bank and make a scene because you and your three kids are so excited about the coin sorting machine.

9. Make more of a scene trying to keep three small children interested in standing in line. When standing at the counter, elicit laughs from onlookers by making up contest of "Who Can Keep Their Hands on the Counter the Longest?" Watch Quinn lose almost immediately.

10. Stop giving a crap what anyone thinks after the teller gives you $202.59 for your 601 quarters, 215 nickels, 109 pennies, 300 dimes, one fifty-cent piece, and four dollar coins.

11. Use fund to buy one tank of gas. And a Big Gulp.

12. Hope no Middle of the Night Emergency befalls you before you build up your fund again.


  1. So very funny -- I can relate -- we created such a scene at the bank that we were remembered -- sat down at a pancake breakfast at church at least 2 months afterward and as I introduced myself to this nice young couple they asked "how was the trip to the aquarium in Baltimore?" -- they came in while we were at the machine and remembered us AND our plans (which wus that I am had not yet happened).

  2. There is news about a serial killer here in the midwest...at least if you find out it is your husband tonight, you'll have a full tank of gas.... (I really don't know if there is a selier killer here, but chances are...how sad is that?)

  3. I don't know what a "selier " is ... another time where my fingers are typing differently than what my brain is thinking...

  4. I heard that as long as it's not a penny, you're okay. The copper is a problem I guess.

    See? You could have turned strained poop into another bank game!

  5. "Husband is serial killer. Is midnight. What to do?"

    Oh, you do crack me up.

  6. Damn, I'm so sorry I missed THAT on Twitter! (NOT!)

  7. Oh, sure, we strain our kids' poop every day, just for fun... WHERE, exactly, are you supposed to strain the poop?! Running water implies a SINK. Would that be the kitchen sink, with the food, or the bathroom sink, with the toothbrushes?!?!

    Also, since we live in the same state, could you please let me know asap if you end up using your serial-killer fund? Just so I can shutter the doors in time to avoid being chopped into pieces by Mr. Spare Change?

  8. That was cracking me up. I love your husband fondling the pig and as for straining the poop, I kept picturing using our cat's pooper scooper and standing over the garbage disposal. Doesn't sound like fun!
    Have a great vacation!

  9. Omg. My son swallowed a dime once. At least I thought he did. Doc told me to watch for it so every time he had a poopy diaper there I was with a plastic fork mashing it and looking for money!

    Never did find it.

  10. my niece stores dimes in her nose. It's only disturbing when she shakes her head really fast

  11. Will you be cross-posting this on The Junk Pyramid? 601 quarters + 215 nickels + 109 pennies + 300 dimes + 1 fifty-cent piece + 4 dollar coins = a helluvalotta items removed. (I can hear your resident lawyer objecting already.)

  12. I recall seeing part of this on twitter.

    Someday you will have to talk to my mom about sifting through poop. One time I ate my locket.

  13. "Imagine that tweet: "Husband is serial killer. Is midnight. What to do?""


    Excellent tips.

  14. Oh my. How do you manage to so consitantly crack me up? We play games like "Who Can Keep Their Hands on the Counter the Longest?" too. My personal favorite is "Who Can Stand Perfectly Still With Their Hands Over Their Mouth The Longest?" Usually lasts about 14 seconds.

  15. I keep a stash of cash in the house, we call it the "Bail Money." As in, if someone calls from jail. . . Haven't needed it for that purpose - yet.

  16. Hilarious!! I think my favorite part was, "Roll in it." I don't know why, but that's the part that tickled me the most!

    Gas and a big gulp, huh? Sad. Very sad.

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  18. Husband is serial killer. Is midnight. What to do?"

    At least it's under 140 characters so you're set.

    xoxo, SG

    PS: My kids LOVE that Chevy Chase machine but I'm convinced it's shorting me.

  19. Oh so funny! We have one of those coin sorters - I really need to get it out and work on our piggy bank. I hope the coin(s?), um, surface soon.

  20. You are hilarious!

    Great tips.

  21. You are bonkers.

  22. I have amiddle of the night fund -but mine's because I've read one too many Anita Shreve novels. Oh, also, you're hysterical!

  23. My house came with a bag of money. For real. We were moving in and I found, in the attic, around a corner, a bag of coins. It was only about $55 but still...a bag of money.

  24. Snort. I must be the luckiest mom in the world, to know you in real life.

    Unless your husband actually IS a serial killer.

    In that case, we've never met.

  25. I love the Middle of the Night Fund. I am going to get one of my own!

  26. I just found you through some complicated meanderings--not sure how anymore--but it's nice to talk to someone else whose children still put money in their mouths. (I have a 6-year-old on/off the Spectrum? Diagnoses roulette going on here now.)

    Thanks for your perspective! I also read your "Devastating" post...so thought-provoking for me...

  27. We save one dollar bills and all pocket change... every August, just before vacation, we take the coins to the bank. We usually wind up with nearly $500 between the singles and the coins. That's almost enough for two 10 day passes to Disney World!


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