Friday, August 22, 2008

The Sins of My Children

I think it was about 5:10 when I called Alex at work.

"Alex, I just wanted to let you know that I'm not making dinner for your kids. If you'd like them to eat, I suggest that you come home early enough to make something for them."

I was at the end of my rope. I'd been whined at, ignored by, and forced to clean their hidden, petrified, under-bed banana peels one too many times. I was done for the day.

Some of their sins were due to exhaustion. Quinn fell down and hurt himself then alternated between yelling at me and hugging me for 15 minutes. ("You're mean; I don't like you! I love you! You're the meanest!" [kiss!])

Some of their sins were due to them (at least one of them) being six and apparently going through practice for puberty. Sam is working on a mean scowl and cannot go along with any plan without throwing a fit in the process. And God forbid I change the plan in the middle. That is grounds for up to an hour of tantrums. (If any of you have six-year-olds, I'd like to hear from you that they're all kind of jerks. Please? I'm really hoping it's a phase that he'll grow out of. Immediately.)

Some of their sins I can blame on myself and the movie Madagascar. Just like the lemur king, Jack has starting saying, "Shut up." Today (in front of company), he followed "shut up" with: "you fucking monkey." Nice. I did some work convincing him that, "Shush, you silly monkey," was a better solution. I hope it sticks.

Some of their sins were cumulative. I did a deep clean of their room today. You should be able to see some of the fruits of my labor over the next few days at The Junk Pyramid. The more annoyed I am, the more things I get rid of, it seems. I say this was cumulative, because I hadn't made Sam crawl under the bed to clean it out for quite some time. All I'm going to say is, if you think American cheese is gross when it's fresh, wait until it's been under a bed for a couple of weeks.

I think it's about time for school to start. We're all going a little stir crazy. Fortunately, I only have to wait three more days.


  1. Okay but where did "fucking monkey" come from? THAT wasn't in the movie!!! Pretty doggone funny though - even if it was pretty embarrassing in front of company. Hope Alex took care of dinner!

  2. Our school doesn't start for three more weeks.

    I am DYING.

  3. sending you some sanity (take mine, please! i obviously don't need it around here anyway! lol). and, um, let me know if i need to send food, too?

  4. I can feel your pain. I understand how you feel. I am with you on everything you said.

    Six turns into 9 and that turns into 11 and i am at those stages. Theya re different but equally trying.


  5. Uh I have a 5 year old who has been doing that for a long while now and I am just finding out it is 6 year old thing which means for her she will be done right before the next stage.

    I have 2 weeks left and well it is not going fast enough!!!

  6. I hope tomorrow is a better day and if not, leave the house for hours and go do something alone. And "forget" your cell at home!

  7. Hmmmm... I see Madagascar is not going to be shown in my house...

  8. Wow. what a day. I hope you had a few cocktails. Or whatever soothes your nerves!!

  9. babe, days like that are why I escape to the internetz...

    Smootches my lovely.

  10. But you handle it all so well.

    (and I hardly count as company.)

    Pics from the park trip on their way to you!

  11. Oh, I hate days like that!! I have a 6 year old and he is in a whiny phase that makes me nuts. It's my 9 year old with the attitude. UGH.

    Sorry but I had to LOL at "fucking monkey".

  12. HOW do they know to say that stuff in front of company or uptight relatives? It's like they enjoy torturing us or something. GARGH!

  13. omg.

    I SNORTED about the 'shut up you fucking monkey.'

    I am SO totally using that one.

  14. "The more annoyed I am, the more things I get rid of"

    I think my hasband has realized this and therefore pisses me off so that I clean obsessively. When I am happy, I can overlook so much....until I am hit in the face with petrified cheese and fruit, the rose colored glasses are thrown off and satan rises from within....

  15. OMG, the monkey!!!! Holy crap!!!! That's FUNNY! I mean, um, no, it's not. :)

    Patrick will be six in January, and is acting like a total pain in the ass. He constantly comes up with Ideas For Things To Do that are completely random and inappropriate, and he's being really hard to manage right now. He wants his ideas, his way, and he will fight to the death for his ideas, in a way that I haven't seen since he was 2. Josie, at 9, has grown out of this, but never fear, puberty is coming along to remedy that situation.

  16. Laughing behind my hands so Jack can't see. And yes... I have a few here that are being all kinds of jerks. They are sick of each other and sick of me! Thank God school days are almost here. (Remind me in a month when I am sick of homework and packing lunches.)

  17. I know I'm not supposed to, but I am laughing here ... you fucking monkey.

    I am SO using that in my next argument with Mr. C.

    "Shut up you fucking monkey!"


  18. LOL...sounds like a trying day for you! I have to agree, the monkey thing was just too funny. But I bet he won't say that again. He was probably just "trying it" to see what happens. I remember vividly, visiting McDonalds with my then 3 yo daugther, and having her say F***ing Shit while we were waiting in line. Never happened again though, but I still recall the stares we got.
    And yes...most 6 year olds are bossy brats. Thank goodness it's only a phase. For my oldest it lasted about 6 months but for the next one it was much longer. Not looking forward to the third...My thoughts are with you!!

  19. Hey, there,
    My number one son has been a royal pain in the buttocks and his 6th birthday is right around the corner. rolling his eyes at me, telling me "no, you do it", stuff I didn't think came until the teen years. I totally know where you are coming from! I know he was so sweet whenever he was with you, but he pulls out all the stops for me!

  20. Come to my house. I have booze.

  21. DYING over the fucking monkey.

    That being said: I feel your pain. There are days when it's mighty hard to remember why you chose to have children, aren't there?

  22. Or American Cheese after it's been under the seat of a van for 3-4 weeks sandwiched with a petrified meat patty.

    Yes, I know what it looks like. And the meat patty holds up surprisingly well.

  23. HRH will be 6 in Nov and I've never seen a pout face it's equal.

    RC (3 yrs) has recently added stupid, you dummy, and random fucks to his vocabulary.

    That's why Friday is Pizza night. By Friday I. am. done.

  24. Is it really bad that I laughed out loud at 'shut up you fucking monkey'??

    Because if it is I soooo didn't.


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