Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Oh, My Day. Jeez. My Day.

Alternate Title: "Wherein Stimey Makes Her Life More Difficult Than it Has to Be. Per Usual." OR "Seriously, Who Is the Fucking Looney Taking Photos in the Apple Store?"

Also: "Post Thoughtfully Divided into Sections in Case You Hate Cats But Love Macs."

Are you guys the kind of people who have a list of things you have to schedule and then spread them out evenly throughout the week so you don't have some crazy psycho day where you only spend 45 minutes at home, 15 of which are spent in the bathroom yelling at your 3-year-old to "Poop! Poop already! Poop or I'll send the Constipation Monster to eat you in your sleep!"?*

'Cause I prefer the latter.

The part about the cats:

I started with routine vet appointments for my two cats. They were both lounging in my bedroom this morning, so I shut the door to keep them there, because the last thing I wanted to do at 9:15 was run around the house trying to find invisible cats.

But I couldn't put the cat carrier in the room with them, because then they would know something was up and then they would hide under the bed, and I'm too human-sized to squeeze under the bed. So I picked one up, carried her outside the bedroom, shut the door, and crammed her in the carrier. Then I ran back in to tackle the other cat who was just starting to realize that my plan was nefarious.

Then, because I was smashing them both into the same cat carrier, I had to open the door, whereupon the first cat tried to escape, giving the second cat a chance to get away. I managed to catch both of them, if by, "catch," you mean, "squished both of them to the ground with one hand each, thus ruling out the possibility of further constructive action."

Somehow I recovered from this rookie error of not using a small, bedless room to house the carrier and managed to squash both of them in. I picked up the carrier, and the handle popped off, dropping the now-traumatized kitties to the ground. Although really it's their own faults. If you've seen my giant cats in person, you understand how they might go over the weight capacity for a cat carrier handle.

Quinn and I got them to the vet where, in a fun turnaround, the vet tech had to pry them out of the cat carrier. After they were done, they had to endure the indignity of Quinn "keeping them warm" while I set up a second mortgage to pay for the appointment.

See the indignity?

Then, on the way out, their carrier nearly snapped in half, causing me to drop them again, but ending in my preventing the top from popping off, thus releasing two seriously pissed off cats into the wild.

The part about playgroup:

Then we headed to the playground for playgroup, where Surly McJerkerson spent the first twenty minutes or so refusing to acknowledge that it might be fun to look at other children. Oh, and he spent some more time berating me for not bringing him lunch or the correct type of cracker.

He donated the crackers I did bring to the squirrels. Which was actually his turning point, because when he saw a squirrel eating one of his crackers, he perked right up.

Well, that and the tennis rackets and balls Susan brought.

He's going pro after Christmas.

Then he remembered last time our playgroup met at this particular playground and two kids shared a baby swing. So he made every kid that was even close to willing share a swing with him.

Looks comfy, huh?

When he ran out of kids, other people had to cram their asses into baby swings...um...do whatever they could do to make him shut the hell up...um...step in.

Looks even MORE comfy, huh?

I planned to take Quinn from playgroup to...

The part about the Apple Store

...the Apple Store after I bought him a Happy Meal for lunch. He started freaking out when I suggested that though. After I realized that I'd spent several minutes trying to convince my child to eat junk food when what he really wanted was a peanut butter sandwich on whole wheat bread and organic chocolate milk, I made a quick stop at home to pick up a sandwich for him.

Then off to the computer store. But no! Quinn had to poop. So we had to stop at the closest bathroom, which happened to be in the back corner of a Toys R Us. So after I made him poop a little (Ooooh...spooky voice...ooooh....the Constipation Monster is coming...) we went to play with the trains for a millisecond, then got back in the car to drive to the Apple Store.

Whereas I thought we would be very early, we ended up being right on time for our appointment at the Genius Bar. My monitor had been acting up and because I didn't know if the problem was with the monitor or the computer, I took both.

The guy at the store told me my kid was a little big to be in the stroller.
I told him that he was too old and dusty too.

The geniuses were running behind, so we had to wait, but fortunately the Apple Store has kid workstations.

Shortly after this photo was taken, Quinn and I broke the store computer. Seriously. That thing froze up harder than the chicken I forgot to defrost for dinner. Then we walked away whistling casually.

Quinn then had a nice time trying to break a MacBook Air on which he was watching "the colors." Evidently Apple's marketing is working. Unfortunately, Quinn has no money.

The genius finally got to us and determined that there was not a problem at all with my machine. He thinks the problem was a bad connection. And he didn't charge me. Which...GREAT!...FREE! and FUCK!...NOT FIXED! and OH NO!...TWO HOURS OF MY LIFE ARE GONE!

Since I brought the computer home I haven't plugged it back in. I'm hoping the problem isn't the Bad Mojo at the House of Stimey.

The rest:

We hurried home. I made Quinn poop. (Don't make me call the Constipation Monster!) and then we went to the bus stop. Then we went to speech therapy. Then I bought the munchkins Happy Meals. (Good thing I didn't get one for Quinn earlier, huh?)

When we got home, I threw their food at them, turned on the TV, and ran to the living room for a 30 minute power nap before my PTA meeting.

I know. I'm a really good mom.

And then I ignored my job so I could write the longest post in the history of Stimeyland.

The End.

* Do I have to say it? I promise that I don't threaten Quinn with the Constipation Monster. I learned my lesson after the "Monster That Lives in the Toilet" story backfired on me.


  1. Poor Quinn! I love that picture of two kids in the baby swing though. I laughed while trying to imagine anyone fitting in a swing with my giant three year old. One of the neighbors told us that he though Oliver's butt was bigger than Chris' (Chris is my husband - and he's small - but he's not THAT small/Oliver's not THAT big). And I've been there with begging my children to eat junk food. Since they only eat variations of melted cheese on bread, I get really excited when I see them eating fish sticks.

  2. Please to excuse, but you forgot something! I was just commenting out loud on the brilliance that is the Constipation Monster, when I got to the end of the post. "Monster That Lives in The Toilet"? Really? Why is that not a link to some hilarity? (I'm intrigued because my husband, 27, is deathly afraid of the Kaka Monster, who lives in port-a-potties and other assorted outhouses. He'd rather have a visit from the Constipation Monster than chance a meeting with Kaka Monster. TMI?) Am wanting to collect these stories. Please to share. And I will call the therapist at first light - promise.

  3. Ah...the constipation monster will get you my pretty... and your 2 cats that are as big as dogs, too!

  4. I am so very thankful that I have my own Mac guru in the house. Unfortunately that means we have NINE computers hooked up and another bajillion in the garage where people give them to him cause they 'don't work' and he get them to work in an hour...

    Sorry. You can always bring it here..

  5. OMG this cracked me up! And your cats? Freaking Gigantic! ;-) Good thingyou didn't try to put *them* in the swing w/Q! LOL

  6. I can't decide which is my favorite part! Thank God there are blogs because then days like this would just be stressful and tedious with no benefits at all!

    Actually, I lied, I think my favorite part is where you put your computer in the stroller. I'm already lamenting a little the fact that I don't have a ginormous diaper bag anymore (because you can cram a whole 6-pack of ...er ... Diet Coke in there). But my stroller has carried everything from pumpkins to gallons of paint. It's a beautiful thing.

  7. Is it wrong to delight in your frustration? I'm sorry. But I do look forward to hearing about these, um, incidents of humor...

    Hang in there! And stop feeding the cats.

  8. Sorry for laughing but I needed that!! I can especially relate to getting the cats to the vet. That is always an adventure (and an expensive one at that!)

  9. Wow, that day was as action packed as an episode of American Gladiators! All you needed was the Hulkster asking you how you felt after each challange.

    Also, stop by my blog when you get a chance. You've been awarded. Like three days ago, but I haven't had a minute to comment with my little sicko.

    And, I can't believe I just admitted to watching American Gladiators.

  10. Do your cats shed their *entire* coats as soon as you get the carrier out? I swear mine looks like Dr. Evil's by the time we're through. And I look like I'm wearing an orange sweater.

    The baby swing thing? Don't count on grandchildren from that one.

    The nap? Pure brilliance!

  11. That is my first glimpse of Denali since I met you. I was beginning to doubt you actually had two cats.

  12. Poor Stimey - My bad days often are a result of too many errands and naps that start too late. Oh, and Mommy losing her temper and yelling. Some validation for you: What a stinky, stinky day you had. Those suck.

  13. Holy moley, your cats are huuuuge!! How much do they weigh?!

    So what does the Constipation Monster do, and can he get a job on Sesame Street?

  14. Okay my cats must be ginormous cause I was looking at yours thinking - they don't look so big!

    Ah .. a day spent with Quinn. I really have to wonder if the duck head might have made him something other than Surly McJerkerson! Pr maybe that just would have made ME smile!

    I'd say you deserved the nap - and you're storing up a lot of karma for good things to happen in the future. :)

  15. Quinn is so handsome. YM

  16. I'm sorry to say it, but pissed off cats are the funniest things in the WORLD. They just are. I almost drooled my coffee all down my front reading that part of the post!!! I could just SEE them, smooshed in there, fuming in that snotty cat way. HA!!!!! My cat cracks me up, and apparently yours are even funnier!

    The Apple people are, in fact, geniuses, because they have those stations. GENIUSES. You know, if you did break one, that will just benefit them in the end, because, um, they will learn how they need to make the machines TOUGHER. That's it. Yeah.

  17. The cat story... LMAO. Seriously, couldn't stop. Got busted reading blogs at work. Thanks for that. ;-)


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