My Hero

Do you ever have one of those days when you discover a previously unknown talent in one of your children? I’ve found some pretty spectacular talents in my kids, but I think the one I discovered today takes the cake.

Jack and I were sitting in the waiting room at speech therapy today when K, Jack’s therapist, came out to get him.

K was sitting in a chair facing Jack, who was standing in front of her, when she gasped, visibly shuddered, did a triple take, then jumped up and ran out of the room saying, “I don’t like spiders!”

It turns out that she was going to get a paper towel.

But a fat lot of good that was to the rest of us, who were trapped in the waiting room with a quarter-sized black spider lumbering toward us. And frankly, that paper towel did not have adequate squooshing powers. Trust me. That spider was large. And he looked like he might crunch if squooshed.

Also? That spider was coming straight at me. It helped that he was sauntering, rather than running, but still. I did some gibbering and I might have stood up and backed away. To my credit, I don’t think I screamed.

Jack was closest to the tormentor in question and you could almost see his brain working. He was close, he was standing, and he was the only one who didn’t seem to have entirely lost his mind.

He lifted his foot and…SQUOOSH!

Jack’s heretofore unknown talent? Spider killing. His new title around the house? Spider Killer/Hero.

Hopefully this means there will be no more having to call the neighbors to kill things for me.



I was going to find a generic photo of a scary black spider to put on this post to fully illustrate the horribleness of this particular spider, but I just couldn’t do it. A quick image search has pretty much insured that I’m going to have some nightmares tonight, and I kind of feel like there’s a spider on me…I think it’s on me…is it on me?!…OH MY FUCKING GOD IS IT ON ME?!

So I didn’t.

You’re welcome.

24 thoughts on “My Hero

  1. Lucky! My boys freak the hell out. It’s like arachnophobia times 10 if either one sees a spider. Or a spider web. Or the mere wisp of a cobweb. Summer is alllll kinds of fun I tell ya. ;)

  2. I appreciate the postscript. I once saw a snake in my garden while letting the dog out and totally freaked. It was an itty bitty baby snake, no more than 8″ long, and was enough to send me shaking into the house and waking my partner up to come look at it. Because it HAD to be poisonous!!!! LOOK AT THE JAW!!! IT’s SPADE SHAPED!!! Wait, you don’t think it is? BUT LOOK!!!

    Anyway, the subsequent googling of snakes native to VA 1) proved it wasn’t poisonous and was doing me a favor by eating my nemesis slugs and 2) freaking me out so badly I didn’t sleep all night.

    Here’s hoping you have no dreams of spiders tonight with that little hero on the prowl.

  3. I hate spiders I hate spiders I hate spiders! I know exactly what you mean by ones that crunch! Ugh! I kill them, but only because I have to. And I know what you mean about getting the creepy crawlies just looking at the pictures (I literally just got a chill) – I tied to look up some good ways to get rid of spiders and came across some of the most horrific pictures! Don’t. Do. It. It’s not worth the trauma.

  4. I thought the superpower was going to be burping or farting. Spider killing could come in handy around here. I read on someone’s blog recently that people eat spiders in their sleep after they jump in your mouth. That one had me freaked for a few days.

  5. I think my dorm may have to adopt Jack, because we’re all hopeless and useless when it comes to fearsome spiders the size of quarters…or grains of sand. I am also looking forward to introducing the word “squooshed” into my vocabulary.

  6. Go Jack on his newly acquired man skill! Bet his dad was even prouder than mom!

    Of my two, Gremlin will clearly be the spider killer. Currently, if they want to play on the computer in the basement (known daddy longlegs hangout), I have to go on spider patrol before they’ll venture down.

  7. Great – now the neighbor will be calling your house! At daughter C’s college, 75 % male, she goes into the hall and yells “I need a guy!” and they compete to get there first. Feminism goes by the wayside.

  8. All right, JACK! He’s my hero, too!!! Gawd, I HATE spiders! I try really hard not to show it around the kids, but DAMN, those things are GROSS!

  9. Thank you for not posting a picture. I’m still traumatized from the other day when I went to take a drink of my coffee and a spider had just climbed into it. blech

  10. wow—that’s so brave! I hate spiders and Ethan and James don’t like killing animals, so we’d be at the spider’s mercy. :)

  11. YEY!!!!!!!!!!!

    Seriously brave, my son would have just stood there and said,’Yeah, can someone please remove this spider… I’m not touching it.”

  12. I don’t like spiders either but I must say I almost died laughing when my neighber made me come over while she tried to kill a spider…because she couldn’t do it alone (No, I’m not a very nice person, I laughed really, really hard at her and her girlish screams). Then she let the spider escape!!!
    Anyhow, for anyone wanting to overcome your fears, here’s a spider you can torment at your leisure. Make sure you play with the controls on the right side and HAVE FUN the boys will love it!!!

    -V :)

  13. Yippee! I once had a largish spider fall onto my head from an exhaust fan while I was sitting on the toilet. I didn’t understand until I saw it fall off of me and onto the floor, skittering toward the floor vent. *shiver* Be careful…my bubba is a big bug squoosher… and doesn’t seem to understand when some kid says “wow look at this cool bug!” and bubba runs over and slams his foot down like TADA!!! and the poor guy looks so confused when everyone walks away grumbling.

  14. I honestly think he has got the skill! LOL. I also can’t kill a spider, and I bet my daughter would freak out if she’d see my reaction. It would really make matters worse.

  15. All hail, Sir Jack, Spider’s Bane!
    Was it a widow? I hate widows. All other spiders are fine and dandy with me, keeps the mosquitos and other icky bugs eaten. But no widows.

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