Trouble in the Bedroom

I was struck down with insomnia the other night. Or struck up, as it were, as I was not able to go down to sleep. I’d taken a short nap earlier in the day, but that usually doesn’t have much of an effect on my ability to sleep. It was just one of those nights when I couldn’t get comfortable and I was worried about all the work that didn’t quite get done over the weekend, and I was on pins and needles with my fingers crossed hoping for a snow day in my county that hadn’t been called yet.

And Alex was snoring.

Alex and I have this battle almost every night because he usually falls asleep before me. He will lay on his back and snore or, you know, breathe loudly, or, you know, breathe at all (I freely admit that I have a little case of the crazies when it comes to sound), and I poke him and say, “Roll over,” and he does and sometimes it works and sometimes I turn on my white noise machine and put a pillow over my head.

Then there are the nights that Alex is quietly on his side and then rolls over onto his back (A position in which he claims that I’ve been known to snore too, but I refuse to believe that because I am quite delicate. Ahem.) and I have the arduous task of getting a deeply sleeping Alex to roll over.

If I may digress (again), I have to say that getting a deeply sleeping Alex to do anything is difficult. This is the guy who slept through the house next door to us burning.

One time, when Sam was still a newborn and I was trying to wake Alex up to get a little help in the middle of the night, he extended his thumb and pinkie finger to make an imaginary phone, pretended that the reception was bad and then “hung up” on me.

(Yeah, I know. He’s that creative in the middle of the night, but he can’t roll the fuck over?!)

So, for instance, the other night when Alex rolled back over onto his back and I oh so kindly jabbed him with my pokey finger and asked him to roll over, his only response was something to the effect of, “jabba jabba wha hassy who.”

When I insisted that that he roll over, he began to get agitated and started protesting, “But I don’t have anything! I can’t roll it over! I don’t have anything! What do you want me to do?!”

And then it pretty much degenerated into a shoving match and near fist fight. I totally won, but I’m not proud of myself.

Getting back on topic (did I have a topic?)…

So the other night when I couldn’t sleep and Alex insisted on BREATHING (is your husband that goddamn insensitive too?), I departed and went downstairs to the couch. I was awake when my school district called a snow day, which, thank GOD, because by this time it was 4:30 a.m. and if I had to get up and take my kids to school and function all day, things were going to go poorly.

I finally got to sleep at around 5:30 a.m. Weird. For someone who can fall asleep at almost any second, I don’t know why that happened to me. Seriously, I could close my eyes right now and my head would thunk right down on my laptop. I think I must be stressed maybe.

I don’t really know where I was going with this post. But I’ve written it because (1) I haven’t written anything else, and this is a BLOG, and you’re supposed to UPDATE said BLOG occasionally, (2) I’m pissed that I couldn’t fall asleep the other night, (3) I figure if I keep mentioning that I’m really, really tired that someone will take pity on me and give me the magical cure (the non-crystal meth cure), and (4) can you believe the nerve of my husband to breathe in our shared marital bed? What kind of selfish asshole tries to lie on his back in his own bed?

Seriously, we’re a fist fight away from separate bedrooms. Or a blog post away from a divorce. (Don’t leave me, ‘kay, sweetie?)

27 thoughts on “Trouble in the Bedroom

  1. Oh thats funny! Maybe you could build, like, a small fence in the middle of your bed, to make sure each person stays in his own space. You could remove it, when necessary. That would be a cool invention, I should totally market that!

  2. Please no divorce. I will come and sleep with alex if it will save the marriage. I had another comment, but have forgotten. I will make another comment when I remember.

    L

  3. He seriously made a mini-fake phone in the middle of the night? Impressive and infuriating at the same time. My husband is a snorer and I spend more nights than I’d like to on the couch since I’m sick of kicking him so he’ll stop.

    Your school district calls at 4:30, that is strange. If we had snow days in FL, maybe it wouldn’t seem so strange. BTW, I’m an insomniac all the time and I usually fall into the good sleep right around the time I need to get up. It sucks.

  4. I pokey-poke my husband in the middle of the night ALL THE TIME. It’s one of the reasons I like to leave him snoring on the couch – I get to fall asleep in peace that way. Alas, sometimes I do things like hang out on the computer until, ahem, too late at night, and then he has to be poked.

    And he then will have the temerity to tell me that I snore. Bastard.

  5. Well, I only occasionally allow mine in the bed, the snoring is so wretched. And this is after two surgeries to correct his “issues.”

    I do have the sleep machine right by my ear but even that does nothing to quell the sound. And I have a fancy schmancy industrial sleep machine.

    I’ve got nothin’ for you but I do feel your pain.

  6. I’ve spent years and years politely offering to scratch hubby’s back if he’ll just roll onto his stomach. I got sick of it and started just telling him to turn the hell over. That’s not working now either.

    My NEWEST maneuver is to stretch my legs *violently* so that it jars him awake and he quits snoring momentarily. I feel it’s a moral victory : ) Although lately he has begun to ask “what’s with the body slamming in the middle of the night?”

    I’m running out of options. I’m down to either divorce or murder . . .

  7. The first night I slept with my (now) husband, I awoke to him snoring VERY LOUDLY in my ear. I was so mad, I punched him – in the face (not that hard). He stopped snoring. I did this about three times and after that, dude was trained. A few weeks later, I saw him lying on the floor and he started to snore, and his body did a little jerk and he repositioned himself and went back to sleep. I’m not necessarily proud of the method, but I’m damn happy with the results – 12 years later!

  8. We just ordered a “sleep number” bed, and this is one of the problems it claims to fix (I’m allegedly the one who breathes). I’ll let you know if it helps.

  9. So wait. You had a nap? Stop your post right there. Wow. A nap!

    Just kidding. You totally deserve one Stimey. Fortunately we don’t have a snoring problem in our house (Susanne might just disagree but she’s not posting this comment now is she ;-)

    Anyway, my dad and brothers snore(d) horribly and once when my brother came to visit (many years ago) and was sleeping on the floor in my tiny efficiency apartment, I pinned a sock with several tennis balls into the back of his shirt so when he’d roll over he’d roll right back onto his side or stomach. I must have read about it in a magazine or something.

    It actually worked. Of course that was only for one or two nights and a visisting little brother who has just saved a ton of money by not needing to get a hotel room might be more open to this suggestion than a real live spouse who actually lives with you. Good luck though! Alex seems like a good sport. Give it a try! -Monica

  10. Oh I hate it when they breathe (I’m kidding… kinda) and I have no advice to offer than the meth solution (I’M KIDDING FOR THOSE THAT DON’T ME – I’m strictly a black tar heroin girl) ANYHOW – sew a tennis ball in his pyjamas and make sleeping on his back a truly well-rounded pain in the a*s.

  11. Oh my God, you are too funny! We used to have this same problem- you know, the breathing, heavy breathing, snoring problem- but then my husband had surgery for his deviated septum and now we have no problem. (I think he does breathe at night, just not as loudly now!) Good luck with your sleep, I know that I don’t sleep well when I have anxiety about something.

  12. Oh this is too funny! If you got a divorce I’d really miss the humor of things like making a phone in the middle of the night and the brilliance that comes out of Alex’s mouth when you ask him to roll over. Priceless!

  13. Last night was the first night in a while I haven’t had to push my DH to get him to roll over and stop snoring. We finally got the right filters for the humidifier we have upstairs and it really did the trick!

    Hopefully it wasn’t a fluke. :)

  14. My grandparents actually slept in separate, twin beds in the same room for most of their lives. I never found out why, but I believe it had something to do with kicking.

  15. Back when my husband and I were first married he used to snore SO LOUD. It sounded like a dump truck rumbling through our bedroom. I would try everything to get him to stop. Unfortunately it was also impossible to wake him up when he was sleeping. A few times I actually shoved him all the way out of bed and then he would just lay there on the floor dream-talking to me. “No! You need to turn on the back up system. It’s the one with the green button.” The final straw was the night he took a swing at me in his sleep. (That was so bizarre because he’s really so kind and gentle and awake he would never do something like that.) The next day he went to a sleep clinic. We found out he has sleep apnea and now he wears a mask so he doesn’t snore or try to hit me anymore. It’s been win-win all the way around.

  16. I feel your pain… not the snoring part but the lack of sleep part. i dont think i’ve slept more than 20 minutes uninterrupted in the past 13 years. Sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to die from chronic sleep deprivation. Get some rest, even if it means sleeping on the couch! (sorry to your husband).

  17. Do we have the same husband? Mine does the exact same thing, and it drives me crazy. But apparently I snore, too, and so it’s a race to see who falls asleep first.

    But I’m a light sleeper who has trouble falling asleep while he can close his eyes and be out. So I usually lose that battle and instead have to focus on keeping him in just the right spot on his side that he doesn’t snore much.

  18. DH has to wear those nose strips, or he snores like gangbusters no matter what position he’s in. It’s AWFUL. I totally agree with you, where is the chivalry when a man can’t stop making that annoying breathing noise in the middle of the night, for chrissakes?!?!

  19. I can soooo relate. My husband snores so loudly I can hear him from 2 floors away. And when I nudge him to roll over he huffs and puffs like *I’m* putting *him* out. Hmph.

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