I did not have a stellar day today.
I had a realization yesterday that things are not going exceptionally well for me. Health-wise, body-wise, weight-wise, energy-wise…the center cannot hold. I decided that I had to make some serious changes and I had to make them NOW.
And by “NOW” I meant “tomorrow, AFTER I eat this pint of ice cream today.”
Most of the changes I want to make are simple, easy, and make a tremendous amount of sense. My problem is that I’m really, really tired. And overweight.
My answer is that I need to stop guzzling caffeine like it’s made out of crack and I need to stop eating ice cream like it’s made out of…ice cream. And I need to start exercising. And after my family, that has to be PRIORITY NUMBER ONE.
Day One of said program kind of sucked major shit though. I woke up tired. I took a nap. I let my house deteriorate even further into the messy chaos that it has become. Entropy is afoot, my friends.
While I was napping, my cough came back. You know, the one I’ve been whining about since November. I just wanted to start crying right then.
I called my sister—you know, the DOCTOR—and basically implied that she didn’t know the first thing about medicine when she refused to diagnose me over the phone with The Consumption. I badly wanted a diagnosis of The Consumption because I was hoping it would mean I would get sent to a sanatorium where I would sit on the porch in a rocking chair and overlook the green grounds while I coughed blood into a doily.
She suggested that maybe I might want to look into asthma. And she told me that if I told my doctor that I thought I had The Consumption, that my doctor might laugh at me.
When I told her that said doctor had given me an inhaler once, she suggested I try, you know, using it. And I scoffed and told her she knew nothing.
Then I went home and used the inhaler and I haven’t coughed since. And now I can never call my sister again.
But then I felt all woozy from the steroids in the inhaler and my kids came home from school and I did some more sketchy parenting, and then I had to take ANOTHER nap because I was all lethargic and tired what with my less caffeine and The Consumption and all.
And then it was dinner time and I made my kids hot dogs (Yum! Nitrates!), only we only had one bun. So I gave it to Quinn because he usually yells the loudest and then I put Sam and Jack’s hot dogs on a piece of wheat bread and doused them with ketchup and fed them to them in front of the TV.
That being the same TV that had been on for most of the day because I was napping and I know the TV/Lego Star Wars will keep them in one place and out of trouble.
Then I put them to bed and I exercised very lightly (because I am so out of shape that I have to exercise very lightly or I might well die—no shredding for me) for 40 minutes on my elliptical.
And then I came here and whined to y’all and you might want to bookmark this page for those days when you think you’re being a bad parent and you can come here and be all, “Oh, well at least I was conscious for most of the day, so I’m ahead of Stimey.” You probably also want to bookmark the page for my very up-to-date and important information on The Consumption.
It was a really bad day, y’all.