Sunday, May 3, 2009

This One Time NPR Had, Like, a Four-Part Series on Porches, and Alex Almost Crashed the Car Every Time He Heard Them Say "Porches" *

Note: This post is about porches, as in stuck-on-to-houses porches, not Porsches, as in we'll-never-in-our-lives-own-a-Porsche car. Carry on.

My house has something like 16 porches on it. And by 16, I mean four, but still, that's a lot, right?

Only one of those porches has a roof, and it is the porch that we never use. And by never, I mean never. Which totally sucks because when it's pouring rain and I'm trying to get three kids and the groceries inside the house, it's totally lame to have to stand in the rain to unlock the door. It's also lame to have the mailpeople and UPS guys throw your mail on the front porch, only to have it get drenched immediately.

The fact that the rest of the porches don't have roofs makes me hate this roof, which is silly, because who hates a roof?

(Me.)

Anyway, someone finally found a use for the roof.


Doesn't that bird look a little bit like she has some attitude? Like she's all, "Get the fuck off my porch and away from my roof."? And doesn't it look a little like she should have built a bigger nest? She's a little crammed in there. Also, how funny would it be to put Clive in there when she's not looking?

The placement of the nest is perfect, because we have this weird door that opens onto our unused porch, so we can open the wood door and look through the glass door at the suspicious bird.

It's way better than my friend L, who last year had a bird build a nest in the decoration she had put on her front door, so that every time she entered or left her house, a seriously pissed off mother bird flew away. And then a predator ate the eggs and it was a bad scene all around. I'm hoping our bird fares better.

*****

Also, welcome, Magneto Bold Too Readers!

I'm so happy to welcome you to Stimeyland. Feel free to drop your coats on the floor and shove the books and toys off the couch so you can sit down. Squeeze right in and get comfy. Go ahead and shove aside my four regular readers; they're kind and will share cushions with you.

If you are more of a stalky-type visitor, you'll find some nice skulking spots behind the garbage cans that we always forget to bring in. If that spot is taken, I will direct you to any of a number of available spots on the lawn. Our un-mown grass and weeds will hide you.

Don't be surprised if you can't see me in the windows though. I have a lot of stalking of my own to do.

*****

* I realized this might need some explanation. Alex claims to hate NPR. Largely because they do things like spend an hour of airtime discussing porches.

20 comments:

  1. If it doesn't have a roof, can it still be a porch? I would probably call that a doorstep. But then, I don't speak American very well :-)
    It would be totally hilarious to put Clive in the nest.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love porches. Our front porch doesn't really count, though I like our covered deck. I would really like a wrap around porch and a lot of gerdens. And in case some rich guy wants to make my dreams come true, I'd like a 1.5 story house with the little windows that jut out on a lot of land, partially wooded, some body of water nearby and/or mountains/hills. Oh, a hot tub too. I'd offer my 1st born, but that might totally mess up the whole deal...

    ReplyDelete
  3. umm, possibly lurking rich guy who wants to make me happy, it's "gardens" not "gerdens" that I want... in case "gerdens" is some kind of STD...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Man, I wish I had even one porch! Roof, or no roof! And the bird is a total bonus! Can I live with you???

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ok, first of all, I *won't share my sofa cushion, dammit! ;-) I guess the b.w.a (bird with attitude) figured you weren't gonna use the porch so why not?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Okay, not until the end of this post did i realize my brain was reading "porches" as "Porches"- as in the luxury sports vehicle. so, im thinking you own 4 PORCHES with no roofs then couldnt figure out the whole porche on your porch and how it segwayed into a birds nest on your porch... but NOOOOOWWWWW i get it.

    SOMEone clearly has a random variant of "dyslexic misinterpretation auditory reading processing disorder" and methinks that person be ME...

    but, even with all my intial misinterpretation of cars for housing appendages, i have to say the post was still oddly funny... just as funny as when i re-read it the CORRECT way...

    so, um, yeah. thats all i guess :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. My bird kicked your bird's ass. Just so's ya know.

    Are you calling your bird Robin?
    L

    ReplyDelete
  8. We had a bird nest in our front tree (a tree, who knew) and when we heard little peeping noises, my husband reached his hand up to the nest and took a picture. The birds aren't as cute as Clive. In fact, they were pretty scary looking and I don't think the kids will ever want a baby bird again.

    ReplyDelete
  9. NIksmom, I thought you were already sharing that cushion with me. But I'm flexible. The floor is comfortably sticky. ;)

    We get a nest on the far end of the porch where we rarely go. She only gets pissed when I hand the wind chimes too close and Joey comes along and rings them. Only we haven't seen her this year. Hope she didn't get eaten.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Heehee. At my first glance, I thought your post was on Porsches and that Alex almost crashed the car because it was being pronounced "porches".

    ReplyDelete
  11. Love the birdies on the roof!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I have to laugh, because I'm listening to NPR livestream right now as I'm reading you!!!!

    I would love if you put him in the nest!!!! That would be hysterical! Maybe when she flies off for food or something, you could tuck him in there. :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. too funny! i can definitely picture an hour-long story on "porches in America" on NPR :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. holy shit you are exactly right about that bird! she's so full of herself and yet has cleary build a nest that is too long and not nearly wide enough.

    i have two porches, both covered, and I love them both. Our back porch is screened in, and before we had kids, nelson and I would eat dinner out there. it was so awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I really don't like NPR - I think they're all on xanax or something, but it's the only station I can get on my radio at work!

    I have a small porch with a roof - and the only thing that lives there - are spiders. Spiders behind the mailbox, spiders in the light fixture, and spiders in the siding. Ugh-h-h!!

    And .. I will never have a birds nest around here - a squirrel named Roger lives in the birdhouse. Sigh-h-h.

    ReplyDelete
  16. A regular stalker I am. Unsure of how to initially respond. I ache and laugh with you.
    Thanks for welcoming me in.
    kgk

    ReplyDelete
  17. I think Clive would get eaten.

    My mom used to say all NPR talked about was penguins whenever she tuned it. I simply informed her that after enough listening, you started to *care* about the penguins. She's sucked in now, too.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Um, my butt is kind of big so I'm not sure I can share my cushion. Sigh. Fine.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for commenting! May you be visited by unicorns and kittens.