Monday, June 15, 2009

Scanning...Scanning...

Today Quinn, my mom, and I went to the nature center. But because I'm a fucking moron, I didn't bother to make sure the nature center was open. No problem, I said. We can go look at that there pond instead. Except the pond has a fence around it and the fence is closed when the nature center is closed.

Nice work there, Stimey.

Fortunately, the nature center staff does not have the ability to close Nature. So we went on a walk instead. We found benches, firepits, horseshoe tracks, horse poop, and an assortment of birds and small rodents.


Then we found a creek to throw rocks into and to explore. It was here that I found out that my mom, who has been afraid of snakes as long as I've known her (which is pretty much my whole life), had been constantly scanning the ground to look out for dangerous snakes. Or benign snakes. I don't think it would have mattered to her.

The creek threw her into a whole new level of stress because of WATER MOCCASINS! and COTTONMOUTHS! and probably ANACONDAS!

It was at this point that I started to make merciless fun of her and her phobias while Quinn played happily away in (snake-infested) waters. Whenever I saw her looking at the ground to scan for snakes, I would say, "scanning...scanning."

I tell you, it was abso-fucking-lutely hilarious.

You know, for me.

When Quinn wanted to walk down the creek a little bit, my mom abandoned the shore for safer territory.


Do you see her there? Scanning? Scanning?

Even Quinn picked up on it. He started saying, "Scanning...", "I'm scanning for you, Nana!", "Look! A twig!", and "Look! A water snake!"

True story. But he was lying. About the snake. Not about the twig.

I'm mildly surprised that my mom didn't drop dead from stress when I let Quinn wade in shin-deep water.

What Quinn and I Saw:


What My Mom Saw:


I'm happy to report that we didn't find a single snake, but we did locate two tiny fish. Although a snake would have been way more exciting. If you're disappointed that there are no dangerous animals in this story, feel free to insert your own story with a ferocious squirrel and a brave defense with nothing but a stick and a pine cone here.

But this is how our walk really ended. Which is okay, I guess.

22 comments:

  1. Get this! I caught a snake on the playground Saturday!!!! It was a tiny grey guy. Certain other parents were wary of me picking it up so I caught it in a bucket and tossed it over the fence.
    L

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  2. Also, I know others who are a teensy bit frightened of spiders.

    L

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  3. So funny- your poor mom! My own mom actually told me that she recently found a snake to be living in her garden and when he came toward the open garage, she bashed it on the head with a large shovel. I was impressed! But she does have a huge fear of 'rodents' (ie mice, rats, and gerbils!)

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  4. When I was little and we lived in PG, I loved the MOntgomery County nature centers. totally awesome. I liked to watch them feed the snakes. Go snake!

    (Your mom would have hated me as a kid.)

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  5. I live in a country with no snakes. I think nearly everyone who lives here is snake-phobic because we're just not used to them. So I'm with your Mom. She can come visit me if she likes!

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  6. too funny!! my mom is terrified of snakes, too, so I can completely relate. :)

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  7. I dreamed about snakes last night. Tiny ones, and they were not a big part of the story. But I wouldn't have remembered if I hadn't read this. Ahem. Sorry. Random thought.

    When you said your Mom I was picturing someone like MY mom, forgetting that you are younger than me so your mom would be younger than MY mom .. and I was thinking - she wasn't really making fun of an old lady like that, was she! Turns out you weren't! She doesn't look old at all and is therefore, free game. :)

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  8. Lucky for your mom she doesn't have to spend time with Teo and his 'nakes. Because of them, I have been dreaming about snakes since last week. The dreams seem to pick up where they leave off. Get this, one snake gets bigger and bigger and no matter how many times we get rid of it, it manages to come back a little bigger than before! I am almost scared to go to bed at night.

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  9. I LOVE this post. The photos are killer and it's 100% something I would do to my mom as well, were she terribly afraid of snakes. There's nothing like using someone's weakness against them, I always say...er, I mean, you know, if they're *family*...

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  10. Oh my god - one of your funniest adventure stories yet. I think I'm like your mom - I would have a heart attack about my kids wading into the sludgy water...

    I wasn't always like that though. When I was growing up, we lived near a Rock Creek Park trail and would do a lot of exploring there. Although my brother was more into it than me. What is it about boys and dirt?

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  11. I also hate snakes. You be nice to your mom, I like her. She can always come visit me...I won't torment her. And, my dogs will keep the yard snake free... at least that's what I tell myself.

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  12. That was hilarious! I think that's why I love ya, I can appreciate your smart ass humor....but can your mom? LOL

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  13. If I was your mom, I would have rooted around for an earthworm and then thrown it at you.

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  14. Nature can be terrifying. Good thing your mom was there to protect you.

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  15. To be fair, I would be scared of snakes too if they looked like the ones in your artistic rendition. They look like something out of an acid flashback. I say that with love.

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  16. Funny post. Snakes=yech. But at least Rattlers give you a warning.

    If anyone needs a ‘minute break’, stop by my blog, “Vaboomer”. I have a video of dolphins blowing bubble rings. (honest) I’m taking a break today and watching those dolphins makes you really relax.
    Go here: Dolphin video http://tinyurl.com/bubblerings

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  17. Showing up at the nature center when its closed... thats the kind of thing that happens to me left and right! But it sounds like you had an awesome time anyway, maybe even better than you would have if it had been open! Except for your mom and the imaginary snakes, of course!

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  18. hilarious post! love the photo editing...

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  19. I take it you experienced a rather nervous childhood? ;-)

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  20. Yo - I am with your mom! Last year on vacation, a BIG snake swam right past us in the lake we were wading in. And I'm embarrassed to admit, I first ran to safety and THEN went back and got my 5-year old. I spent the rest of the vacation scanning, scanning, scanning!

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  21. Oh, my heart! So beautiful.

    By the way, we're cultivating water snails over here these days. Holler if you want a couple; they're oddly entertaining, here in their (SEALED) glass jar....

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  22. You just need to hop on down South where we see snakes on a regular basis. Our puppy cornered one just a few weeks ago and H jammed a pencil down into it, piercing it and trapping it in its hidey-hole at the same time.

    Funny, funny post!

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Thanks for commenting! May you be visited by unicorns and kittens.