Not to Imply That My Friends and I Are 6-Year-Old Children, But, Yeah, We Kinda Are

Last Friday I went to the movies with my friend ALW. She suggested that we go see Adam, which is a love story about a young man with Asperger’s. It was a phenomenal movie and I’m tremendously happy that we went to see it.

In some places, the movie was difficult for me to watch. In fact, I was stifling big, ugly sobs right from the beginning. But the ending was so honest, so perfect, so wonderful and inspiring that it made all of the tears worthwhile.

Unfortunately, that ending was slightly overshadowed by an incident in the theater in which ALW and I were sitting. Like I said, it was Friday night and the small theater was packed. There were very few empty seats. ALW and I were about halfway back on the left.

Here is our view of the screen:


It was maybe 20 minutes before the end of the movie, when this guy stood up:


Evidently this guy needed to get out of the theater. And in what I can only assume was an effort to not disturb the people on his left and right, he decided to go over the empty seats in front of him instead of sidling down his row to the aisle.

So the guy threw his leg over the seat in front of him. And everyone in the theater could see him doing it. Although his actions were not obtrusive. Yet.


We continued to watch the movie, while the guy continued to crawl over the seat.

Almost there!


And then, when he was aaaaalllllllmost there, he’d practically gone all the way over the chair, it happened. There he was…ass up in the air…silhouetted in front of the screen…right down there in the second row…in a practically silent theater…


…and he farted.

Loud.

And the entire theater heard it. And we all tried to act like it didn’t happen.

With the possible exception of ALW who was trying so hard to not audibly laugh that she was shaking uncontrollably. And I am not normally the type of person who is like, “Ha, ha, someone farted! Ha, ha!” (Evidently ALW is.) But I have never seen such an obvious fart set up quite so perfectly in front of such a large group of people.

It is, quite possibly, one of the top five funniest things that has ever happened near me.

The movie ended. I cried a little more. I accused ALW of acting like an infant. And we’re on the escalator headed out of the theater and ALW and I and the couples both ahead and behind us all started laughing about the fart.

It was, most definitely, the most distracting fart I have ever been witness to.

Photo from the movie Adam was borrowed from Fox Searchlight. (Go see Adam. It was a great movie, and well worth your time. Take tissues. And do not—DO NOT—climb over theater seats if you are feeling gastrointestinally challenged.)

25 thoughts on “Not to Imply That My Friends and I Are 6-Year-Old Children, But, Yeah, We Kinda Are

  1. Oh my god, that is a riot. I would have lost it too. I think we were both meant to be the mothers of sons.

    Glad to hear you liked the movie. Onto my Netflix queue it goes!

  2. Damn, I give you two MAJOR props for not just snorting and guffawig out loud; I totally would have! Of course, I’m living in a house where my small one farts constantly and laughs hysterically…even when someone else farts. Oy vey.

  3. Oh. My. F—ing. God. I cant breathe… i am seriously laughing my butt off!! I AM someone who will laugh at a fart and this was the best fart story ive ever heard – and seen illustrated.
    still laughing.

    oh my god… still laughing. crying…
    this is the funniest thing ever…

  4. You are a hero. Seriously. I could not have held the laughter in if my life depended on it. I once had to leave a lecture by a very senior criminal lawyer when he accidentally used the phrase “gliffing snue”. Still makes me giggle just remembering it.

  5. I’m still laughing. The illustrations are exactly perfect. The guy looked EXACTLY like that. I would have made the fart cloud green though maybe.

    My face hurts from laughing.

  6. That sounds like a scene from a movie itself! I’ll have to check out that movie when it gets to Netflix as I usually only make it to the movies once a year!!

  7. That’s one of those moments where your instinct is to laugh but it’s a quiet theater and it’s not a funny part of the movie so …
    you feel like you have to laugh even more when you need to suppress it. I would have burst I think!

  8. Stimey dude, this is a classic. Your illustrations are unreal. Can’t wait to see that movie now, even though I’ll feel gypped when no one farts so incredibly. And by the way, last night at Lyle’s bday party when children were barfing and tumbling down my stairs, I thought to myself: I’m having a Stimey Moment!! :-)

  9. You’re quite the illustrator…I actually felt like I was right there with you. LOL I would have been dying laughin right along side of your friend. I’m sure that would have brought a tear to my eye also. If I was that guy, I would have left and never come back.

  10. This story and the diagram are AWESOME. Our sorority prez once, while sitting on the floor during a meeting, lifted up one side of her butt to let one go (I suppose in a more satisfying way like she normally does in privado.) We died laughing.

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