I don’t quite know how this shit always happens to me. I don’t think I’m that bad of a mom. I don’t think I’m neglectful in public. I try really hard. My kids aren’t bad kids. They try really hard. Why always the drama then?
My guys and I went to see the Terra Cotta Warriors at the National Geographic Museum today (maybe yesterday by the time you read this). It was a very cool exhibit and I got to go with my friend E and her two kids and also Urban Mama and her little trio.
In an effort to prove that it’s not all my fault that the Team Stimey portion of this trip was a little chaotic, I will now present to you a list of things that went wrong, with the implication that they are clearly not my fault.
1. The exhibit took place in the middle of DC.
2. Our tickets were for 5:30 p.m., a.k.a. rush hour.
3. You try navigating your way to this museum at 5 p.m. what with all the one-way streets and no-left-turn signs. It took me a looooong to time to triangulate in on the museum.
4. At which point I realized that I was never going to be able to find parking and that if I left the block it would take me 16 years to close in on the museum again. It was right there, a half block away from the museum and in the full throes of panic that I saw the giant PARK sign. The sign was so enormous, colorful, and noticeable because the people who run the parking garage are presumably able to use their extravagant fees to keep it up to snuff.
5. Quinn fell asleep during the museum triangulation, resulting in extreme surliness. You might notice that I italicized “extreme.” There’s a reason for that.
6. You know what I remembered at about this time? Oh, right. Shit. My kids are insane, bad at museums, and extra-excitable when five of their friends are nearby.
7. We took a visit to the bathroom and settled in to wait for our friends. At this point, Quinn started to let me know exactly what he thought about everything: “I can’t walk! I hate benches! I want to play Super Mario Bros! I love you, Mom! This place is boring! I want to go home!” I’d like to remind you of two things at this point: (a) We hadn’t yet entered the museum, and (b) Quinn is batshit crazy.
8. Despite the pre-exhibit trip to the bathroom, Jack demands to go potty five minutes after entering the museum. Fortunately the guard sitting under the “no re-entry” sign takes pity on us and allows us to return to the exhibit after I drag one desperate and two surly children to the bathroom.
9. After leaving the exhibit (absolutely no photography allowed!), I got an awesome photo of my kids and E’s kids standing in the one place you can take a photo with a (replica of a) terra cotta warrior. After I got home and tried to download it, my computer ate it and now it’s gone. Gone. Sigh. Gone. I made my own version for you so you could see kinda how awesome the photo was.
10. My kids and I went outside to play in the courtyard, because Fresh air! Ducks! A water feature! Fewer people to bump into outside!
11. I’m standing down at one end of the long, thin strip of water when I see Jack at the other end. He looks determinedly at the water and starts running straight for it. My computer also ate the photo of what happened next. But I recreated it for you with this other photo that I took later. Ignore Quinn’s head. And the reflection of Jack (or maybe Sam) in the rock. They are irrelevant to the substance of this recreation. Which is, simply:
12. Jack was trying to leap across the water. Even from way down at the other end, I could tell that was what he was doing. To someone not tuned in to Jack? It probably looked exactly like he deliberately planted himself in the middle of the water. The kid really stuck his landing.
13. I was rendered speechless. Jack climbed out and then stood there dripping while I both laughed and cried and he explained how he had wanted to jump across. Evidently I am not the only person in my family with poor depth perception and delusions of super abilities.
14. Later, Jack made a bridge with his body. If only he’d chosen this end of the water feature to jump across.
I was talking to my friend ALW today prior to this whole thing, and I said to her, “Man, there must be people all over this country who think to themselves about me, “That girl is a mess!“
Way to prove your point, Stimey.