Monday, July 19, 2010

I Don't Know What to Do.

I'm not doing very well. I'm tired, I'm stressed, I have too much to do, I feel like someone is always needing something from me or picking at me, I'm super irritable, and Jesus Christ Motherfucking Almighty, Jack, could you stop with the goddamn snorting already?

I feel bad about myself, I feel bad about my parenting, I withdraw from my friends, and then I feel bad about that too. I've been feeling this way for a while now, but have gotten a couple of extended periods of (mostly) respite in the form of visits from my mom and my friend Mama Echo.

Do you ever feel like there is always someone or something just hanging off of you, while somebody else is picking at you on the other side, then someone else is asking you to for something, while inside your head you're angry at yourself for not being a better human being?

I feel raw. I'm white knuckling it until September when my kids go to school and I might—MIGHT—have time to breathe, but I don't know how I'm going to make it.

I almost can't stand being around Jack anymore because of the snorting. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin and shake him and yell at him and then I am sad because he is one of my favorite people and I really do want to be around him all the time, but I can't stand to be in the same room as the snorting. And it's not fair to him and it's not his fault and fuck, I am the worst mother in the world and I totally hate myself, because what kind of mother doesn't want to be around her wonderful kid?

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Seriously, he is two rooms away and the TV is on (another side effect of not being able to be with your kid—something has to babysit him) and I can still hear the snorting and it is making me crazy. Like my skin is itchy crazy. Like it is all I can hear crazy.

I totally threw a tantrum yesterday because I couldn't hack it anymore and I think I completely flipped out all three of my kids. And I feel like a terrible mother. At 4 o'clock today, all I could think about was that we had to leave for speech therapy and I was going to be trapped in a car with the snorting for twenty minutes and I didn't know how I was going to do it.

And then I cried and Jack cried and he told me that I broke up with him and I called Alex but couldn't talk to him because I had the volume on the radio up to ELEVEN because it sort of drowned out the snorting and I'm sure Alex heard the sobbing and thought that I was going to drive my car into an abutment.

Then Sam asked if I was crying and Quinn told me the radio was too loud and I managed to calm down enough to have a teary conversation with Jack. All whilst driving.

And I know that the more I bring up the snorting, the more it reinforces it, and he can't help snorting. And I know that the more I think about the snorting, the more it bothers me, but I can't help thinking.

Finally Jack asked if we would be best friends forever and I told him yes and we had big hugs once we got to therapy and I bought each of them little six-packs of Hostess doughnuts from the vending machine and I prostrated myself in front of my children and told them that I shouldn't have acted that way and I'm sorry and I gave them big hugs and apologized for being such an irritable motherfucking asshole—and, yes, I was a GRADE-A ASSHOLE TODAY—and I socked away another (metaphorical) $150 into the (metaphorical) therapy fund.

I was NOT a good mother today. I really wasn't. I wasn't even a good person. So add that to my list of things that I'm not happy with about my current interior life. And I'm not even sure that I should publish this horrible post, but someone once told me that all of us moms feed our kids Fruit Loops for dinner, so I thought maybe you do too. Or you don't, but whatever. Future Jack, I'm sorry.

I don't know what to do.


Rant over. It was a tough day. Tomorrow will be better. Probably. I hope.

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