Camp Stimey: When Animals Attack (Part III)

Let’s see. Where did we leave off? Camping…cold, hard ground…spousal abandonment to attend a Phish concert…

Oh, right! Alex arrived home at about 1 a.m. and fell fast asleep. I spent some time stewing over the people chatting loudly the next campsite over and finally fell asleep only to be woken less than an hour later by a sound. It sounded an awful lot like someone was going through the stuff on our picnic table.

I tried to pretend that it wasn’t actually happening in an effort to make it actually not happen. Maybe it was Chatty Chatterson and his Chatty-ettes at the next campground banging pots or something.

But no. Right about the time I realized that I was going to have to sit up, Alex woke up too. I grabbed a flashlight as Alex started muttering some sort of gibberish. I think it was more the loud gibberish than the flashlight that scared off the intruder, but the flashlight did illuminate the GIANT RACCOON ASS that went scampering off.

Alex was reluctant to leave the relative safety of our tent to put our food in the car. “Will the raccoon hurt me?” he asked.

Yes, Alex. The mean, mean raccoon will probably come back and jump on you a la the squirrel in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. Honestly, Alex was probably pretty safe. Based on the size of his butt (the raccoon’s), I don’t think that raccoon would move or jump all that fast.

 I think I know why he was so fat though. Bastard opened our cooler, took out all of our chocolate, unwrapped it, and ate it right there, leaving the wrappers behind.

Why, God? WHYYYYYYY????

Needless to say, every day of camping was getting better and better.

See how happy I am?
Also, the one piece of evidence that I was actually on this trip.

We decided to head off to a local McDonald’s to feed the children, what with our lack of food and chocolate due to RACCOON ATTACK 2010! We ended up loitering in the play place at that McDonald’s for probably an hour and half. (Also? Free wifi.)

It was too cold to go to the beach again, so we decided to take the kids to a movie, but not before an unfortunate series of events led to this:

And we didn’t remember about them for, like, an hour and a half.

That was pretty much our day. We played at the playground some more and Sam tied his brothers up with the clothesline for an hour or so. There were also airplanes of some sort, but I don’t really know anything about them because I fell asleep in the car on the way home from the movie.

Look, ma! I made it myself!

Back at the campground, Alex prepared to abandon us for another Phish concert and I fed the children with a pizza we bought down the road. What? Shut up. We’re not really “campers.” That’s why they have delis close to campsites.

Our night was pretty uneventful. I couldn’t put our leftover food and stuff in the car because Alex drove it to the concert. Instead, I wrapped our leftover pizza in tin foil and stashed it in the cooler.

That was some good thinking on my part. I protected our food from the raccoons by wrapping it in something shiny and then putting it in a container I knew for a fact the raccoon was capable of breaching.

Alex put the food in the car when he got home, but it was too late. No pizza breakfast for us.

We did get these dirty little raccoon paw prints all over our stuff, though.

The next morning we woke up early and got the hell out of Dodge.

I’m not sure why he’s wearing work gloves.

Tomorrow I bring you Team Stimey in the Hamptons. Surprisingly, no one made a total ass of themselves. Well, not until we left the Hamptons at least.

Part I—Camp Stimey: Stay Alive…No Matter What Occurs!
Part II—Camp Stimey: Into the Wild
Part IV—Hotel Stimey: Spreading the Disease (Coming Soon!)

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