This Would Be Easier With Fewer Children

I had a lovely Thanksgiving, but I don’t want anyone to think that I didn’t notice that Thursday was the start line for three…two…one…Christmas…GO!!!!!

I didn’t shop or browse or make plans or anything over the weekend, but I did come to the startling realization that of the thousands of photos I’ve taken over the past eleven months, there isn’t ONE that is a holiday card-worthy shot of all three of my kids.

With this in mind, when Alex suggested we take the kids to the park on Friday, I grabbed my camera and tagged along. Surely I’d be able to snap at least one moderately successful photo of all three of my kids.

(Those of you with three kids are laughing hysterically right about now.)

Considering that last year’s photo included dirty clothing, a child with a black eye, and not everyone looking at the camera, you should believe me when I say that I’m not looking for perfection out of my children. I’m just looking for personality and a photo where no one is making an obscene gesture.

Alex had some grand plans, however. He saw a tree and was all, “How about we line them all up on a branch?”

Okay, Alex. How about we do that?

Step One: Hoist Quinn into a precarious position in the tree. Tell him to hold on and stay calm.

Possibly take a knee to the nose.

Step Two: Ignore completely unphotogenic positioning of youngest child and go about inserting terrified middle child into the tree.

We knew he was terrified because he said, “I’m terrified.”

Step Three: Give the terrified middle child plenty of opportunity to calm down while realizing that lifting 70 pounds of Sam is harder in reality than it sounds in theory.


Step Four: Delight in the fact that you have captured the perfect holiday card moment.

Ta da!

Okay, even with my lax standards, I can’t put that on a holiday card. So how’s about we try putting them in a gazebo. That sounds lovely, right?

Yeah. That’s about right.

So posing them isn’t working very well. How about I let them play and I’ll capture the perfect moment just by chance? (And by “chance,” I mean “fat chance.”)

Crazy much, Sam?

Well, two years ago, I got a great photo for my card by making my kids hug. Maybe I could capture that again.

SO close. If only Quinn’s eyes were open.

I’m pretty good at doctoring photos though. Maybe I can work some magic on those closed peepers

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Maybe I could use an alternate photo subject.

She was really unhappy about the tunnel, by the way.

Step Penultimate: Admit defeat. Get great photo of my children’s warlike victory over compliance. Mutter curse words under my breath.

Take that, scurvy photographer!

The last step, of course, is to sic the children on their father, who had abandoned us at the park while I was in the middle of trying to capture photos of my kids going down the slide. It will not surprise you to hear that the slide photos did not turn out.

Shortly thereafter, they ran him through with their plastic swords.

Well then. Maybe just a letter this year.

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