How to Prepare for Christmas in Seventeen Easy Steps

1. Discover Santa’s ass.

Be extremely delighted.

2. Find awesome tree.


3. Become awesome tree.

If only he were wearing his camouflage sweatshirt.

4. Play with fire.

Or rather, peer carefully at fire from a safe distance.

5. Coordinate free rescue squad hat with coat, scarf, and eyes.

He’s so pretty.

6. Decide to write Christmas letters to Santa.

Close your p.s. with “Your pal, Jack.”

Ask for “security.” Mean “security closet,” i.e. a fun niche in which to hide.

Make sure you get the catalog number right.

7. Be forcibly cleaned up before the annual trip to the mall to see Santa.


8. Practice being photogenic.

Remember when I said Quinn was pretty?

9. See Santa, deliver letters, fight over who has to sit on Santa’s lap.

If you’re Jack, lose.

10. Take a train ride in the little locomotive that tools around the mall for $3 per person, driven by a surly teenager who honked at a lot of not-quite-fast-enough mall customers.

Load into the coal car for the ride.

After mom and dad cram into the coal car with you,
defect in favor of the blue car immediately behind it.

Ham it up. (Pretty again.)

Don’t get your $3 worth.

Nearly lose an arm—and your head.

11. Decorate your brothers’ room.

Make that, “Sullenly decorate your brothers’ room.”

12. Read The Night Before Christmas.

OUR mice NEVER stop stirring.

13. Generally cause trouble.

Try to decorate the house as much as humanly possible.

14. Wonder why the people are putting a tree in the living room again.

Decide to take a nap.

15. Figure out how many members of Team Stimey it takes to put a star on a tree.

It was a complicated system of passing and lifting.

16. Finally pull apart the wishbone from Thanksgiving.

We acknowledge our sloth.
Jack won, by the way. He wished for a million dollars.

17. Know that even if it’s not the most, let’s say “elegant,” it’s still perfect.

Bring on Christmas now, bitches.

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