You guys, the irony is so bitter that it burns my mouth. There are unwanted mice in my kitchen. Wild mice, who don’t understand the gentleman’s agreement that I have entered into by caring for domestic mice, have appeared in my cabinets.
(I originally wrote that sentence to read, “Wild mice have appeared in my drawers,” but that sounded…not right.)
We haven’t actually seen any mice, but we have seen their, ahem, evidence. *whispers*poop*endwhisper*
My response to this is to severely chastise my worthless cats, but Alex responded by demanding that I buy mouse traps, so I headed out to Home Depot and was immediately confronted by this:
As a side note, anyone who manages to bring me that giant inflatable mouse for my office gets the official title of Emperor of Stimeyland. You’ll even outrank me. The pay is crap, but I’ll pray to you daily.
Anyway, the mousetrap aisle was a carnival of horrors that left me stymied (ha, ha) for a lengthy amount of time. Some dude wandered up and grabbed some mouse poison without even musing over his options, making me feel like a moron for not being able to make a decision, but the problem was that I really don’t want to kill any mice.
There were a few major types of mouse eliminating options available at the Home Depot, but each of them had problems.
Mouse traps—you know, regular old mouse traps: These are effective, but sad. And bloody. And when they are effective, they result in the deaths of mice.
Mouse poison: Poison will kill mice, but then there is the possibility that they will die in the walls and then smell really bad. That seems bad for us and an affront to our pet mice. Furthermore, poison will also kill cats, dogs and children. It is unlikely that any of those entities would eat the poison, but it still seems risky.
The Pest A Cator 2000: This is some fancy schmancy electromagnetic pulse product that repels mice from your house. It sounds awesome. I picture our kitchen mice packing up their little hobo satchels and heading on to less-pulsey digs. It’s even safe for pets! “*Except hamsters, gerbils and other rodent pets.”
Catch and release traps: What a great idea! My mind imagined mornings where I would find three or four mice all crammed into one of the traps and I would walk to release them in the park up the road, where they would find at least three or four fresh houses before they wandered back to mine. If you want to tell me I’m an idiot and talk about releasing mice in 30-degree weather or the fact that the people in the other houses will kill them with the two for $1.74 traps, I will simply put my fingers in my ears and say this: LALALALALALALALALALALALALA!!!!!!
There are, however, a couple of downsides to the catch and release trap. The first is that I knew Alex was going to roll his eyes really hard when he saw them. Even though I was all the way in the other room when he got home from work, I could tell from his, “Wait. Are these humane traps?” that he was rolling his eyes.
The second downside is that they don’t fucking work. It’s been three or four nights since we set them up and we haven’t caught a damn thing. Even worse, we have found evidence of rodentia IN one of the traps, which means that now we’re feeding them on purpose. Evidently our mice are small enough to squeeze back out of the trap?
We’ve baited the traps with peanut butter and—even though it seems so terribly cliche—cheese, but we haven’t caught a single mouse yet. Alex is giving me until the weekend to catch a mouse before he goes back to the Home Depot and I don’t think he’s just going to find me a giant, inflatable mouse.
Internets, help me save my kitchen mice from bloody death! What can I do? I just don’t know if I can look little Squeaky, Poseidon, Scabbers, Whiskers and Gerbil in their beady little black eyes if I’m killing their cousins two rooms away.