Things I Learned in Boston

• Jack is really fluffy if he doesn’t go to bed right after his shower.

• Even if you have the very best intentions of interviewing players, parents and coaches from all over the world in order to write a well researched and poignant column about the SHI Tournament, 84 hours of togetherness with your autistic kid and a lot of shouting of “STOP! The bus will run you over!” and “HERE! Eat more junk food!” and “NO! Don’t throw mud at the arena!” will make you forget to do everything except thank the gods of hockey for the 10 minutes your kid will sit quietly on the floor, allowing you to stare at the wall and rock every so slightly.

• Jack’s helmet has a joke to make.

Jack Bauer ain’t tough enough to be a Cheetah.

• Even from across an arena, it is easy to tell when Jack is very angry. Signs include, but are not limited to, furious pacing, discarding of equipment, refusal to enter or leave the ice, ignoring all attempts at reason.

• When even a very tiny hockey player steps on your sandaled foot in sharp ice skates, it will hurt like a motherfucker. And bleed.

• When Jack skates with his stick on the ice instead of up in the air, he is far more likely to hit the puck.

But he looks cute either way.

• There are some things that will make me laugh harder than I probably should, like the sign on the side of the rink that read, “Watch out for flying water bottles.”

• Even though a year ago I had never even watched a hockey game, I now think it is one of the most badass sports out there.

• Every single time we drove past the sign for the Assabet River, I would read it as “Asshat River.”

• Jack has not yet learned the societally understood correct distance to stand from a street performer.

• Even though my dog has giant, fluorescent stickers that say “CAUTION WILL BITE” on her vet chart, it could always be worse.

The Scarlet Letter: Equine Edition

• Jack will watch sea lions smoosh themselves up against a glass window for as long as I am willing to let him. Incidentally, the sea lions will watch Jack smoosh up against a glass window for a long time too.

• Just because Jack doesn’t know the code to get through the gates leading to the piers won’t stop him from trying every single one we walk past.

• It is a miracle that Jack continues to exist, what with his consumption of NO food. This meal consisted of six corn chips and four pepperoni slices. And a bite of cheese. He’s turning concave.

• The one item of food he will request, however, is an ice cream cone, which turns out to cost SEVEN DOLLARS. In defense of the seven dollars, it was the healthiest food he ate all weekend.

• Buses don’t make Jack car sick.

We’re #1! We’re #1!

Evidently something Quinn drank one day went down the wrong way and the resulting coughing ended in vomiting, so Team Stimey at Home didn’t fare so well.

• Even when Jack is being bad and hiding from me and refusing to listen, he’s pretty goddamn cute.

• I am way proud of Jack.

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