Everybody Needs a Middle of the Night Fund

Alex doesn’t care for my Middle of the Night Fund.

In case you’re not familiar with such a thing, you create one by collecting small bills (and the occasional big bill) from your pocket change in little boxes all over your house, so when you have to suddenly abandon your house in the middle of the night, you have money to take with you.

You know, for when you find out that your husband is a serial killer or there’s a natural disaster or for when the apocalypse comes.

Because it’s coming, people.

If that apocalypse doesn’t come? Well, there was this one time that I used my Middle of the Night Fund to completely fund a vacation. (<— Okay, that's a big lie, but there was a lot of money in it.) Alex doesn’t see this as the model of fiscal austerity that it is. He’s all “STOP TAKING OUR MONEY OUT OF THE BANK AND PUTTING IT IN LITTLE BOXES ALL OVER THE HOUSE. SPEND THE MONEY YOU ALREADY HAVE.” And I’m all, what happens when the apocalypse comes and we need a wad of small bills to pay passage over the bridge? Don’t ask me what bridge. There’s always a bridge. And I assume that it will be guarded by marauders or trolls or some such that will demand payment. Alex will be all, “Hey, troll, here is my ATM card,” and then the troll will eat him. But *I* will have eight dollars in small bills to pay the toll, and I will be fine. That is, if Alex doesn’t keep raiding my Middle of the Night Fund to give the children their allowance. Honestly, it’s a really short sighted way to prepare for the apocalypse. I currently have three Middle of the Night Funds. Because, unless you’re Alex, you can never be too prepared. I moved one to our official disaster kit, although it is occasionally poached to pay for emergencies like babysitters or pizza delivery. I sometimes steal batteries out of the disaster kit too. I have yet to steal any of the MREs in there though, mostly because I am afraid of three-year-old foil-wrapped pineapple upside down cake. There is one in my desk, into which I put birthday money and whatnot. Although it is earmarked for the apocalypse, it will probably be pressed into service to pay for winter clothes soon. Sort of a fashion apocalypse, if you will. Regardless, I am still building my Nightstand Subfund. Because you can never be to careful. I’m looking at you, Alex.

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