I wrassled with a deadly animal this morning. Two of them. They had jaws like clamps and talons like daggers. Those bastards were so rough that my friend Heather needed me to help her tame them. Are you ready to see the dangerous creatures? I’ll only show you one at a time. Two might be too much to handle.
I know. She looks harmless. But you haven’t seen the devastation they can leave behind with their little pointy feet. Be warned. Heather is contorted by revulsion over the damage inflicted by the toe scalpels of the guinea pigs.
I was called in to help my friend Heather cut her guinea pigs’ toenails because…well, because of the injuries. Those nails needed to be lopped off. She called me in particular because I was pretty cocky about my cat nail cutting skillz. When I was bragging about how awesome I was at cutting animal nails, I forgot three important things:
1. Guinea pig nails are about the size of grains of rice.
2. I don’t cut my dog’s nails because she bites.
3. Turns out I am NOT awesome at animal nail cutting.
Lest I be forced to admit fallibility, however, I decided to forge ahead. I did send this missive ahead of time to warn her: “You do understand that it is extremely unlikely that I will be able to successfully help you do the nails, right? I mean, I’ll give it a go, but do you promise to not sue if I cut off a toe or something?”
Evidently not too concerned, she shot back, “Only if you don’t sue when Cow bites a chuck of flesh off your hand.”
Allrighty then. We’re set to go.
First, however, we had to line up the tools of the trade. Heather found some old baby clippers, gardening gloves, and a guinea pig.
We sent the 5-year-old in the house to locate some animal control measures…
…and we were ready!
Except with one adult holding a guinea pig and the other adult cutting its nails, who is left to (a) take photographs and (b) make sure the 5-year-old doesn’t make mischief?
Mission Guinea Pig Pedicure had begun!
Interesting fact: Guinea pigs have four toes on their front feet and three toes on their back feet. That is some fucked up shit, y’all.
After returning Poppy to the cage, I asked Heather if she wanted to give nail trimming a try with Cow. She started to turn me down, but after I asked her if I was going to come cut their nails every month for the next eight years, she agreed to give it a go.
She did a lovely job, although I don’t know if I have ever seen a more panicked expression on a small animal’s face before.
This episode was ultimately less exciting that I expected. There was no blood, no guinea pig escapes, and each pig still has all 14 of their toes. AND I was dumb enough to help make Heather comfortable with the process so I won’t be invited over to play with the little guys next month.
I’m sorry. I feel like I’ve failed. I know you like it when I’m a disaster. I apologize for being competent. If it makes you feel any better, I sucked at every single other thing I did today except for when I took a nap.