Monday, September 17, 2012

My 3:30 A.M. Shitlist

I woke up in a really bad mood today. Mostly because I woke up at 3:30 am.

I know there are some of you out there who have kids who don't sleep through the night or have other reasons why you don't get a billion hours of sleep every night like I do, and, holy hell, I am sooo sorry, because, Jeebus, if I am woken up before 7:30 at the earliest, there be hell to pay.

The blame this morning was widespread and angrifying. 

My dog put her front paws on my bed, woke me up with her big, annoying dog face, and then immediately peed on the floor. It was at this point that I became aware of a beeping that sounded suspiciously like one of the fifteen million and six smoke detectors that exist in my house.

I think you can guess how it went from there. Three devices later, I finally found the one with the dead batteries. It was the carbon monoxide detector. 

Funny story: This one time my carbon monoxide detector went off and I didn't know what to do, so I read the instructions on the detector itself, which said something to the effect of "surround with fresh air." At this point, I went to the back sliding door, opened it, put my hand holding the detector outside, and waited for it to stop beeping. 

In retrospect, my actions may have been a sign of the carbon monoxide poisoning.

Anyway, back to this morning. It was 3:40 am. My dog had been outside, where she took a quick lap around a tree and came right back in (Because, you know, she'd already peed right next to my bed.) and I started to think about going back up to bed, where it would smell like dog pee and sound like Alex snoring—he has some sort of...illness...sinusitis...consumption? All I really know is that it makes him snore, which pisses me off.

I decided to sleep on the couch instead, which didn't work out very well. If I wake up at 3:30, I have a hard time falling asleep, which is weird, because I can sleep at literally any other time of the day. I had just dozed off around 4:30, when the lights flipped on as Quinn wandered through on his way to take my spot in bed, as he is wont to do early in the morning.

So then I moved to Quinn's bed because it is more comfortable than the couch, which was great. Right until Sam's alarm clock went off at 6:30. He completely slept through it, but it woke me up in the next room. The problem is that I didn't know how to turn it off, so I had to hit snooze and then when it went off nine minutes later, I had to do the whole thing all over again. He finally woke up when I was cursing and trying to pull the whole goddamn thing out of the wall.

Happily, there was no school today, so I could let my kids mill around me while I slept in a little bit this morning. 

But still I'm surly. This post turned out to be a long way to say what was originally supposed to be just this: I hate everything.


But, do you know what I was looking forward to today? The premiere of Flummox and Friends! You guys, this show is awesome! My kids loved it. Jack is already scripting bits of it. Watch it, share it, script it, complete the survey on the Flummox website!

I wrote about it for Autism Unexpected. You can read my column about it or you can just watch the show. The show is better than my column. 


  1. Wow, he turns on the light when he comes into your bed? Child 1 feels his way through in the dark. He's like a cat

  2. We still love you. Next time, take a shot at 3:40 and get back to bed.

  3. You may be a bit overtired, but your sense of humor is wide awake!Quick, go to bed! Tonight will be better!

  4. "If I wake up at 3:30, I have a hard time falling asleep, which is
    weird, because I can sleep at literally any other time of the day."
    I have also had this exact thought when I'm rudely woken up in the middle of the night and having a hard time falling asleep again.

  5. Hmmm... Disable all alarms, teach children ninja skills for creeping around the house with no lights on, and switch off all alarms. If only!

    As for the snoring, they say that making a squirrel sound helps stop the snoring. Why? No earthly idea! Worth a shot...

  6. So. Much. Annoying.

    My dog is currently in a cone of shame, which makes her really loud when she walks around the house in the middle of the night. Also makes her annoying dog face even bigger.

  7. I have an easy time falling asleep at night, but not if I wake up in the middle of the night.

    Which is why this comment comes to you from 4:51am and I've been awake since three.

  8. Ha! I first read this at 4am whilst wandering around the house unable to sleep! Must have been one of those nights. I can't blame the dog (this time at least) or the children though. Hope we both do better tonight eh?

  9. His endgame is ninja-like. But when he's passing the couch he evidently likes to light his way.

  10. Oh, the cone of shame. That makes EVERYTHING worse.

  11. I'm a grouch without enough sleep. I think I need 9 hours to be happy.

  12. Yep. That sounds about right for me too.


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