You guys, I don’t even know what to say to you. You are some twisted people. Also, I am delighted that you are as wacky about gerbils as I am. First of all, if you’re new here, you may not understand the whole gerbils in hats thing.

For you, I will post this reminder:

Any excuse to repost this photo makes me happy.

Any excuse to re-post this photo makes me happy.

Yes, that is my pregnant gerbil, Mouse, just a few days ago. Or it is the gerbil daddy, Mouse. I still don’t know which of my gerbils is the mom and which is the dad. I think Mouse (above) is the girl, but I haven’t picked either of them up since the gerbil babies appeared to study their genitalia.

Don’t worry. I’ll do it soon though. There is going to be a whole lotta gerbil genital studying going on.

I bought a second gerbil tank today at PetSmart in preparation for the day when I segregate my piles of gerbils by gender. The clerk that rang me up was all, “Ooooh! Are you getting a new pet?” and I was like, “Kinda!”

So, here is my gerbil update for you so you know what is going on:

There are five baby gerbils. There were six, but one of them died today and I took his little corpse out so his mom and dad didn’t have to eat him. It was a little sad. I hope the other guys make it. I’m already starting to get attached to them.


Pile-o-gerballs, on a rare out-of-the-hut excursion.

They all seem to be doing all right. They were in this big pile today and there was this one on the bottom whose only visible body parts were his frantically pinwheeling back legs. He eventually made it out and was able to breathe. So yay for that one.

My kids are pretty excited about the whole thing. Sam took a look at one last night and has refused to come back for another look. Quinn’s first questions were, “Are they hairless? Are their eyes closed?” and then he refused to even look at a picture of them. Although by the time he got home from school, he was ready for an in-person encounter.

Jack, however, is way into them. I had to keep chasing him away from their tank so he wouldn’t harass them too much. Here, “harass” equals constantly pulling back the privacy blanket I put around them to stare at them and maybe tap on the tank a little bit.

Watcha doin'?

Watcha doin’?

The result of this was a hyper-vigilant Jetpack starting to look a little nervous.

"Can I HELP you?"

“Can I HELP you?”

This brings you up to date on the gerbils. The really amazing part of the day, however, was the passion with which Facebook embraced my gerbil babies and the fervor with which you all set about to mocking my panic.

I mean, really, it was almost instantaneous. The snark started immediately once I posted a photo of a baby gerbil, but it took a whole six minutes before Bec said, “Quick! Put tiny hats on them!”

Then it was all over.

Last night, you confined yourselves to words. Today, it was ON.

It all started with Lexi‘s image of the gerbil I will be naming Top Hat.lexi

It went downhill from there.

Alicia got downright threatening. Well, she didn’t, but her terrifying as shit cat did.

Moses the Cat has his own Facebook page.

Moses the Cat has his own Facebook page.

Then Mindy stopped by.

The force is strong with this one.

The force is strong with this one.

Then Jim got involved. We all knows what happens when Jim gets involved. This:


Aw! Delightful and innocent!




(I love me a good Jenny McCarthy joke.)


I’m pretty sure Jim is going to hell.

Also, this isn’t even all of his artwork from today. He is prolific.

Not to be outdone, Mir competed for the front seat on the train to hell.


Her caption: “And lo, unto them a son was born, and they called him Gerbilus, Prince of WTF.”


In case you don’t recognize them, these are the Duggars, or “Duggarils” if you prefer. Or, if you’re Mir, you’ll freak me out by telling me that this will be my house next week.

My Facebook pages are a horrorshow, y’all.

I could probably end every single one of my posts with this line: I have the best friends. Thanks for making me laugh all day long, every single damn one of you.

27 thoughts on “Afterbirth

  1. Hilarious. The pictures, I mean. The litter of gerbils, maybe a little bit less so. As we learned when we went to pick up a cute fuzzy seven week old kitten from a cousin’s farm, and then decided to take two because they are so wee and cute, THEY GROW UP. Fast. Stimey’s World o’ Pets? Could work. Proceeds benefit your kids’ college funds.

  2. I’m like your kids, totally grossed out. Im not sure why either! …But I can’t stop reading your posts about them! Thank you for the morning laughs!

  3. I think the humor value of all of this outweight the horror…for now. Last night Ed asked “have you scored us any gerbils yet”. Because obviously, the man still does not know who I am.

  4. Well, I know what I’ll be doing today–going through all the great pics on your FB page. This has just made my freaking MONTH!!! I love, love, love Gerbilgate!

  5. Of course now you’re going to need seven gerbil tanks just so this doesn’t happen again… I’m now picturing you with 47,000 gerbils.

  6. My coworkers are now worried about me because I am crying and laughing hysterically at this. I had to get caught up on Gerbilgate and thought I could do it quickly and quietly – I did not expect this level of hilarity and creativity! I tried to explain, but without having read the 300+ comments they just did not get it. Thanks for the laugh!!!

    • I’m really enjoying the mental image of you trying to explain this whole thing. “Then this guy put the horrifying gerbil baby into a Playboy shoot…”

  7. OK, I thought nothing could kill me more than the Jenny McCarthy gerbil or the pope gerbil … but the Gerbilus, Prince of WTF and the DUGGERS may have come in a close second.

    Wow. Just … wow. Absolutely hilarious!

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