Fuck You, Winter, and the Groundhog You Rode In On.

Quinn in his coat, lying on a pile of snow.

Quinn: “I’m just chilling.”

I think it was still June when I started to get sad because I knew winter was coming. I hate winter so much. I hate the cold. I hate the dry. I hate the salt residue on the cars and the roads and the buildings. I hate the way my hair gets staticky. I hate pretty much everything about it.

I mean, summers in DC aren’t necessarily a picnic, what with the humidity and heat, but I LOVE it. My body regulates itself poorly and I am ALWAYS cold. Quite obviously, winter makes me sad. This winter in particular has been incredibly frustrating. It has been intensely cold. There has been a lot of snow. School seems to be only rarely in session and open on time. And when it is, at least one of my kids always seems to be coming home sick.

(Today it’s Jack.)

Then there was the day my brakes froze up and I rear-ended the car in front of me.

And the morning I hit a deer, which I can only blame on winter in the sense that I was driving to hockey practice and hockey season is in the winter.

There is the fact that about half of the people in my community don’t shovel their sidewalks, making it incredibly difficult to go running without killing myself.

Also, I broke Quinn’s coat by washing it. I know. Evidently zippers aren’t made to be washed or they fall off. This led to a multi-store search through racks of short-sleeved shirts to find one of the three winter coats left on the shelf because it’s February and that means it is swimsuit season. (Bonus! Coat was 80% off, costing me $20. You know, because winter is over.)

I hate having to harass my kids into coats and hats every time we leave the house and that fight to get them to put socks on their feet (under the Crocs that they wear almost everywhere except for school) is never ending.

Quinn sitting in snow with one foot wearing only a sock and holding a Croc full of snow.

Turns out that Crocs are not ideal for playing in piles of snow.

All of which is mostly just a long way of saying, “Waaaaahhhhhhh. Make it stop. Spring. Please. Spring. *incoherent mumbles about scarves and ice and the way I look when I’m wearing a ponytail and a hat*”

41 thoughts on “Fuck You, Winter, and the Groundhog You Rode In On.

  1. I think you and my husband would get along very well. Every morning he talks about even his “fiery hatred of winter can’t melt all the #*^%%^ snow. ”
    I’m usually pretty tolerant of winter but this one has been bad. No school and illnesses and too cold to breathe and did I say no school? It’s all slowly making me slowly insane.
    So I’m with ya. Completely.

  2. SO glad we are not the only ones who wear Crocs year-round. And hate socks. Nd have to beg children to wear coats even though it is THREE FREAKIN’ DEGREES OUT THERE.

    I now remember why I like studying India. It’s warm there.

  3. I think you’ve been watching the blooper reel of my life this winter. I can totally relate. This winter has been brutal. I’m so over it. And that rodent in PA saw his shadow, so we are stuck with this shtuff for what seems like forever. :/

  4. We have missed 15 days of school so far. I am sooooo over winter! Also, BEST.TITLE.EVER. for this article!

    • Shut. Up. Fifteen days? I hope your school has air conditioning because it is going to be hot when you are still in school in JULY.

  5. I had two weeks of sick kids followed by 2 days back at school, only to have 5 snow days for 2 of the 3 kids this week, the other kid had 3 snow days. I think it’s supposed to snow again this weekend! By this time of year I feel like I am in the movie the Shining!

  6. You just put my day of schlepping around in the rain into proper perspective. I still do hate California drivers in the rain. ” Agh! It’s wet, what will we do?” “Let’s drive 30 mph on the freeway because I don’t know if I mentioned it but eek it’s wet.” Even though I’m a native I don’t count because my husband grew up all over and has taught me proper inclement weather driving. Sorry about all the snow, and freezing, and croc wearing. (This is my son’s first year wearing sneakers instead of crocs to school and he’s a 1st grader. On the other hand he frequently wears jammies to church.)

    • I lived in California for 11 years and in LA for two, so I totally get what you’re saying here. It’s like there is a drop of rain and suddenly widespread panic!

  7. I’m with on being tired of winter except my body’s kind of wired the opposite way… I hate overheating and given the choice, would prefer to be a little bit chilly. Although right now I’m sitting here with the thermostat cranked up because it was 23 degrees here today and even I have limits.

    I also had to smile at the Crocs, because I have friends who are shocked and dismayed at my habit of wearing socks and sandals almost everywhere. (I’m from the Pacific Northwest, it’s RIDICULOUSLY COMMON HERE.) Now I can point to this and say “At least I wear socks.”

  8. I’m not sure I’m reading this right; it’s kind of subtle. But is it correct to say you’re…over…winter?


    COME LIVE WITH ME IN SOCAL! It’s freezing here…at 47 degrees. You’d be so happy!

  9. Oh, we so feel for you. Three years ago, we had the winter from hell over here in the UK: the equivalent of two winters back to back. I went from being chilled about cold [so to speak] to a permanent state of “Never again, please God, never again!”

    So the rodent must never see his shadow again, or he must die. [Sorry Mr Groundhog, them’s the new rules.]

    And had to laugh about the Crocs. And big thumbs up for gamely going out running in that crap. Wishing you dry pavement just as soon as poss…

  10. I have a new approach to winter this year, which I recommend to you as well. It is the Powell doctrine, the overwhelming force approach. I bought a jumbo box of chemical heater packs. I use them in my shoes. I use them in my mittens. These are the ones:
    Each of those packets has a pair, and they really do last for 8 hours. And they say it is too hot to put right next to your skin, but they are thinking of someone waaaaay less wooosie than me. The other day I came very close to putting two in each mitten, but I refrained.

    Some of the other elements of the approach wearing approximately twice as much clothes as any normal person. It helps to have some clothes way too big for you, so you can fit them on top of the other layers.

    wishing you warmth and a swiftly arriving spring

    • I love you so much. Screw chemical burns, my toes iz gonna be warm! I fully approve of your system. Fully.

  11. This last storm (sorry – I think it is ridiculous to name winter storms, so I am refusing to participate – that’ll fix ’em!), dumped 14 inches over my cranky head in one 24 hour session. I took a ration of sass from a friend about shoveling while the storm was still in progress. But I ventured gamely forth because I’m not sure I could lift the total had I waited for the end of the storm. Plus the temp dropped drastically – you know from the balmy 20’s to the oh-let’s-see – 14 degrees below zero (!), and as someone else mentioned – breathing in that is difficult enough – trying to get enough oxygen to actually work in it is not a likely scenario for this retired elder. I am so with you on being over it. I have not been off of the farm since Jan 20th, and am not sure I will make it next week either. Good thing I am well stocked with necessities, yes? Do take care! P.S. I have a couple of cookbooks with recipes for groundhog. Together we could make this happen!

    • I agree with your mid-snow system. I tried to get Alex to shovel during one of our snows and he refused until it stopped snowing, but it just seems like it is harder then.

      And, yes, the oxygen thing. I know when I run when it is cold outside, I feel like I have asthma and cough a lot when I a done.

      I think groundhog would go nicely in a stew.

  12. I hate winter.

    I will tell you my ponytail/hat trick, though you might already know it and then this will seem kind of dumb that I’m telling you BUT ONWARD. What I do is, I bun the ponytail before I put the hat on. I don’t fasten the bun, I just twist it as if I were making a bun, and then quick put on the hat (the bun often unwinds under the hat, so that’s normal). So there’s still the lump-under-the-hat issue, but at least there isn’t the half-ponytail-clamped-by-the-hat issue. Also, bunning it seems to make it prettier when it comes out from under the hat, and also then it isn’t half-wet from snow, and also then the hair ends aren’t driving my neck crazy.

    • Brilliant. As always. Also, I love that you were able to find the key piece of information in this post that needed to be addressed. I will be bunning my ponytail from now on.

  13. I am so with you, sister! I am done,done, done. I have 30 (that’s right…30) make up sessions to do at work. They have just made our teacher work day into a regular school day and taken away our President’s day holiday. If we get more snow days it may start eating into our spring break. NO MORE! I am boycotting winter. Where do I stand with my picket sign?

    • Well. That seems like a lot of work to make up. Stupid winter. Let me know when you land on a spot to picket and I’ll join you. One request: Can it be inside?

  14. Amen sister… No words. I hate every second. And can’t believe the Irish prince insist on wearing “sweaty2.0” that is code for a hoodie as opposed to a coat?!?!?! I found him face down in the snow “chillaxing” I was going into shock in the cold but he was delighted!

    • Right? And while they are laughing and playing and wearing hoodies and shorts and Crocs and playing in the snow, I am standing there in all my winter gear freezing as I wait for them to get bored of throwing snowballs at me.

  15. That is one of my favorite images this winter. (I’m hoping either the graphic shows up or the link works. My apologies if neither happens).

    I live in Hoth. Even we have had more snow days than usual. Most of the snow days have come before of after planned days off so the kids get the extended version of the break. We have a 2 day Mid-Winter break coming up next week and I think most parents are holding their breath. More snow and cold temps are expected. I think everyone is thinking “How long is this break going to be?”. What’s really going to suck is once it does start to warm up in March, my kids are not going to like going to school 5 days a week.

  16. I got so caught up in trying to get that graphic linked up properly I forgot to say “Crocs?!? In the snow?!?!? And not even the fuzzy ones?!?!?!”

    I hate having cold feet. That last picture of Quinn makes me want to get the warmest, thickest socks and boots on him STAT! Although he would probably hate it.

  17. OK, I also do not like winter. brrr. However:
    a. You now have a photo of Quinn enjoying the snow. SO, if he ever complains of being cold, you got a ready reply. :)
    b. This has been the coldest winter ever. Next winter will be warmer. Right? Right?
    c. Sometimes I try to embrace the cold. This isn’t easy! During Snowmageddon, I walked along the Crescent trail, and [almost died of exposure] um, enjoyed the quiet and the snow-covered trees.
    d. Spring will arrive soon. I think. And I will have a cute balcony from which to enjoy its arrival.

  18. Amen, sister. I am over it. Over the cold. Over the grey skies. Over the kids underfoot. I want them to go to school, so I can be alone in my peaceful, disorganized mess of a house.

    Oh goody. A new Montgomery County alert: School will be closed tomorrow, February 14th, due to weather conditions.

    Excuse me, while I go and weep.

  19. It wasn’t until the end of the second paragraph that I realized this wasn’t written by a whiny teenager… Dang.

    • I was whiny like a motherfucker in this post. And I’ll be that way again next winter.

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