Coming Home and the Presentation of Souvenirs

It’s funny, because usually when I’m on vacation, I find time to post here. I think that’s because I am always back in a hotel room by 8:30 to put my kiddos to bed and then I have to sit in the dark with nothing but my computer to entertain me as they go to sleep. It turns out that if you go on vacation without your kids, you can do things like stay out until midnight and then go to bed as soon as you get back to the hotel.

In related news, did you know that there is still a midnight?

In more related news, yes, I am aware of how lame I am for being impressed that I was out and about with the living people after eleven in the pm.

Also related, Jesus Christ, I am so glad I don’t go to bars late at night. Just walking past them was enough for me.

Anywho, Alex and I have returned from our five-day trip to Key West. In case you want a reminder of exactly how pathetic we are, that was our first trip without our kids since before Sam was born. In other words, about 13 years.

Don’t worry though. Much as we may have considered it, we didn’t just abandon Team Stimey Junior to Minecraft and their own devices. My mother came into town to take care of them. She didn’t let on, but she was suitably apprehensive. After all, as an old friend of hers said, “DON’T YOU READ HER BLOG?!”

She shouldn’t have worried. They got along swimmingly.

Photo of my three kids sitting on the couch with my mom. Jack is slightly blurry. All are smiling and look very happy.

I’m not sure that Jack ever stops moving long enough to be completely not blurry.

Although let’s be honest. I think we all know that my kids didn’t sit around compliantly all week. My mom definitely worked hard.

A photo of my kids and mom in the same spot as before, but this time their limbs are thrown about and they are laughing and wild.

Yes. That looks right.

I can’t wait to tell you guys about our trip because it was awesome. We had so much fun. I took seven million great photos. We laughed and snorkeled and drank out of pineapples.

But tonight I am preparing to go back to work tomorrow and it is also Jack’s first day of camp and my mom left this afternoon, so I am going to hold off on telling you about all of that and instead, I will sit here by my cat and regale you with stories about our alcohol-fueled metal sculpture souvenir-buying extravaganza.

I think my mom was nervous when I called her to get her mailing address because it wasn’t in my phone and then texted her a photo of the souvenir I’d purchased for myself.

Photo of a metal, multi-colored rat. He is about a foot tall and oh so very garish.

I call him Hemingway. He is so fucking awesome. And, yes, I was also baffled that no one else had already bought him. Weirdly, the shopkeeper seemed thrilled to sell him, offering us a deep discount.

“Yours is more dignified,” I told my mom via text.

Also, it was a pelican.

Photo of a metal pelican standing on a metal post. He's probably three feet tall and a rusty bronze color.

I would name him Rusty, but who knows what my mom will call him.

I’m pretty sure she’s going to place him right inside her front door so it’s the first thing visitors to her home see. She used an appropriate amount of enthusiasm when I eventually showed her a photo, so I think she likes it.

In other news, I have a metal sculpture-buying tip for you: As you put more and more giant metal statuary on the shop counter, discounts will get increasingly larger and the salesperson’s face will get increasingly happier. You might then choose to buy one sculpture for each of your children instead of one for the three of them to share.

Whereas for my mom, we were looking for something a reasonable adult would put in a home, we had no such criterion for our children.

Photo of a round-bodied monster on tall, thin legs. Its predominant features are it's buggy eyes and giant teeth. He's also carrying a hockey stick.

That’s why we got this hockey-playing monster who tried to eat Chester for Jack.

Jack’s most excellent response upon seeing this guy was, “LOL. He’s like me.”

He then took him to his room to find a spot for him. Jack reported back that “he’s trying to eat my bedroom.”

Photo of the monster with several of Jack's toys in its mouth.

Jack. That kid totally gets Alex and me.

Sam got the cat version of my rat. Said cat is pretty hilarious.

Photo of a multi-colored metal cat.

Honestly, his was probably the most dignified non-pelican that we purchased.

You’ve probably already guessed that we got Quinn a cat as well, but you may not have guessed that we got him a Slinky Cat. He’s hilarious.

Photo of a metal cat. His body is a long metal spring.

Slinky Cat has the benefit of being poseable. He can sit or stand. (He chooses to stand.)

Clearly, Alex and I are pretty delighted with our souvenir purchases. Fortunately, our recipients seem to be equally enamored.

I hope you all enjoy them as well. Thank you for indulging me. You may now carry on with the non-metal sculpture related parts of your life.

22 thoughts on “Coming Home and the Presentation of Souvenirs

  1. My husband has emphatically declared our house a “non-metal junk sculpture” house. He does not appreciate great art. I am way jealous.
    Also, there is a suit of armour (that just autocorrected to “armpit” like 4 times…) at eastern market that I am most definitely going to be purchasing. I am pretty sure it will be easy to hide.

    • I feel like a suit of armor is something that he might walk past for, say, six months or a year before he would notice it. You should go buy it.

  2. What is the address of this shop? I am heading back to the keys in couple of weeks and I NEED a metal sculpture!!!!

    • I don’t remember the name of the place and I recycled the box it came in. But! I can help you find it. It was on Duval Street on the even side of the street. Probably in the 900s or so? I think the name of it is one word and starts with an A. It’s the shop with all of the metal sculptures in the window. You can’t miss it.

      This is like the best scavenger hunt ever. Want me to give you more fun clues on how to not find great places? :)

    • Wait, wait! Alex is a hero! He just found their business card. It is called Abstracta and is located at 624 Duval Street. So I was partly right. What I didn’t tell you is that after the first night when we bought everything, we couldn’t find the store again for, like, three days—even though we were looking. We had started to think we imagined the place. But it is there. It really is. Pinky swear.

  3. This collection, for some reason, reminded me of The Bloggess, and the hen, or chicken, or something that she purchased :)

    • Yes! She had the giant metal chicken. Of which they had many in the shop. The guy said he sold a lot of chickens. Not so many rats.

    • Lyda, you have no idea. There were so many hilarious and awesome flamingo sculptures. If they hadn’t all cost 8 million dollars, they’d be lined up on your front porch right now.

  4. I get so excited when I see a new post from you, and this is why. Cause, metal sculptures. And other assorted awesomeness, of course. But yeah.

  5. Your Mom and kids look so happy — Yay!
    As to metal sculptures made of found objects? Some I like, and others … I’m not so sure.
    Happy 4th of July weekend!

    • Your vacation looks lovely!
      Also, I can now see how your mouse companion seems rather … alarmed at times.
      Hello? One day he has lobster claws, and another day, a fish head. Yikes.
      Not the best day over here, so it’s nice to have a funny, um, whatever.

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