The Day We Tried To Visit an Artisinal Movie Theater

Today my family had a plan to go see the new Avengers movie. Because even though it was Mother’s Day, sometimes you just have to go with the flow and see the Avengers because a lot of young boys live in your house.

Alex and I were looking at movie times and the one that worked best was at a theater that we had never been to before.

Both of us were like, “Geez, I don’t know. Someplace new? I’m not so sure that’s a good idea.” We had a whole conversation about it.

We fear change.

Eventually we decided that a movie theater, even one we had never been to, should be pretty safe. We were so stupid.

We could NOT handle a new movie theater.

We walked in and I was pretty sure we had mistakenly walked into a hotel lobby. Instantly I said, “I don’t think we’re fancy enough to go to this movie theater.”

We were not.

It turns out that we had wandered into some sort of upscale hipster theater where you buy assigned seats through the internet while you’re still at home and then you come to the theater to buy a $7 bottle of water or a beer and wait for them to bring your popcorn to your recliner.

Team Stimey is not, I repeat, not made up of upscale hipsters.

We were running late, so I left Alex in line to buy tickets while I went to the snack bar to buy popcorn. I ordered a soda and some popcorn and the guy was all, “Are you premium or premium plus?” and I was all, “Da fuck?” Then he started talking about how you ordered in one place if you were premium and the other place if it was premium plus and I was like, “I know my family and I’m pretty damn sure we would not be premium plus,” and it just went downhill from there.

Firstly, if something is the lowest tier, I do not believe that you can call it premium. Secondly, I never really got to discover the difference between the two because Alex came over in a total snit with the news that he had failed to procure tickets because there was some whole system that we knew nothing about and we don’t know how to handle change and NO ONE SHOULD EVER TRY ANYTHING NEW EVER.

Getting a refund for our popcorn turned into a whole thing too, involving a manager and a lot of awkward waiting, and me leaving a guilt tip for the snack bar employee who visibly winced when I told him I no longer wanted to buy the popcorn.

Then we walked back to our car and drove to our regular downscale theater where you can buy tickets from a kiosk and they don’t sell wine at the snack bar and you stick to the floor when you walk on it and instead of fancy chandeliers and mood lighting in the lobby, there are giant coming attractions displays and shooting video games.

Photo of my family from the back. Quinn and Jack are watching Alex and Sam play a video game.

Yeah. That’s about right.

Sometimes I tell Quinn stories about a cat named Oreo and her wacky adventures. In these stories, our friends’ cat Tippy is always very fancy and rich and talks in a snooty accent. My entire family spent some time discussing how Tippy would loooooove the fancy movie theater and we generally made ourselves feel better by mocking both upscale hipsters and a very sweet cat named Tippy.

Photo of Alex, Jack, Sam, and Quinn in a darkened movie theater.

Then we watched the longest movie in the world, also known as The Avengers: Age of Ultron.

Lessons learned today:

1. It may have been Mother’s Day, but it’s always Team Stimey Jr. Day.

2. Team Stimey is not fancy. Or smart. Or able to act fancy or smart.

3. Making fun of other people can bring a family together and make everyone feel better.

4. Never try anything new.

All in all, a day well spent.

3 thoughts on “The Day We Tried To Visit an Artisinal Movie Theater

  1. Yikes, that theater sounds like a nightmare! Never heard of anything like it. Glad you ended up getting to see the movie at a REAL theater. :-)

  2. Hahaha! This is the theater in the new development down the road from the kids’ school, right? The one with tiered memberships that makes the line between the haves and the have nots painfully clear by allowing the cinematically favored to sit in sofas and cushy recliners with pillows, blankets, popcorn, booze, and waiter service, while the mere “premium” members get the sad, ordinary seats? (And am I the only one who thinks that serving alcohol at the movies is a terrible idea?)

    I know this is going to make me sound more like an old fogey than I already am, but going to the movies used to be one of our most democratic cultural experiences. Young or old, rich or poor–we all paid the same admission fee and sat together, elbow to elbow, to be entertained. How very 2015 it is to insist that even at the freaking movies we need a reminder that some people have much more disposable income than you do.

    I haven’t been to that theater (and don’t plan to anytime soon), but a couple of months ago I did take Rachel to the other upscale theater that recently opened in town (the one that rhymes with “Bark Right”). Unlike your theater, it has banks of kiosks in the lobby for buying tickets that allow you to preselect your seats before you enter the theater (like when you buy plane or concert tickets). It also has the same huge, cushy chairs for all patrons as well as fancy popcorn and food. I actually liked the experience. It isn’t the kind of place I’d visit to see, say, Mall Cop or the Spongebob movie, but it would be a fantastic place to see an epic like Avengers or the new Star Wars movie. Maybe Team Stimey should try it? Perhaps you guys aren’t irredeemably un-fancy after all.

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