Grand Theft Grocery

It’s possible you don’t fully understand Alex and my grocery store thing. We may not go to a lot of fancy dinners or movie dates, but every single weekend, the two of us go to at least one grocery store together and make assholes out of ourselves. It’s kind of like our weekly date.

For example:

Screenshot of Alex standing at a grocery store self checkout with the caption, "I just watched the most hilarious, frustration-fueled episode at the grocery self-checkout that I have ever seen. I took this photo after Alex froze the computer by vigorously stabbing the screen with his finger after repeatedly seeing the "unexpected item in the bagging area" message but before he knocked over the chip shelf to his left. Also before the cashier there was all, "I've never seen--" but stopped herself when she realized she was about to be insulting to a customer. I've never laughed so hard in a grocery store in my life. It would have been even better if I hadn't had ice cream at risk."

This particular date to the grocery store was epic, like attending a ball or something.

This weekend, however, I had plans that conflicted with grocery shopping. When I told Alex, he got a sort of panicked look on his face and said, “That means…I’m going to have to go to Whole Foods by myself.”

By all reports, it did not go well.

Evidently, Alex wandered away from his cart for a few moments to pick up some items, came back to his cart, and wheeled it away. He shopped for several more minutes, putting things into the cart until he looked down and realized…

It wasn’t his cart.

Goddamn, I love that guy.

So instead of taking the cart back to where he found it, he looked around furtively, carefully picked his stuff out of the cart and backed slowly away from it, returning to the scene of the crime, where he reclaimed his untouched cart, put his stuff in it, and carried on with his shopping.

He at least had the decency to feel bad about it.

Screen shot of text messages from Alex. They read: I stole someone's cart. I found my cart. I just abandoned the cart I found. It was full of stiff. I think I left stuff on the leer. I'm a bad person.

I still don’t know what that penultimate message was supposed to say. I think he was having a panic attack.

Therefore, even though the two of us are terrible at the store together, it turns out that we’re even worse alone. Or at least Alex is.

5 thoughts on “Grand Theft Grocery

  1. Heehee, my friend just texted me the other day to say she had taken someone else’s cart; she will be reassured to know that this is more common than she thinks.

    Whenever I go grocery shopping, I miss at least one staple. We might need milk, eggs, cheese, fruit, and cereal. I will come home with milk, yoghurt, crackers, fruit, toilet paper, and cereal. So it’s a useful trip…it just doesn’t meet our needs. My husband prefers to grocery shop by himself.

    • SO fabulous that Alex and your friend have each other. So funny.

      We always miss at least one thing too. Like, we buy it every week, how do we forget it?

  2. Jean, this is in reply to your earlier posts. First, congrats on your running progress! I really need to lose weight, for health reasons now, and will probably never run. At least I can walk! Pretty much starting from square one here.
    I love Whole Foods. If you shop the specials and the two store brands, and skip the frozen and prepared foods, it really isn’t “whole paycheck” as people still believe. Their produce section is the best in the area, and the fish always looks fresh. I don’t eat meat; just don’t like it. The salad bar is pricey, but convenient.
    Someone mentioned Mom’s Market. The one on Nebel street is quite nice, and they also have good sales. Their produce section is smaller, presumably because everything is organic. Yogurt and cottage cheese are more expensive than at Whole Foods.
    I buy frozen vegetables and canned tomatoes at the Giant.
    Happy shopping!

    • Thanks, Karen! I hope your walking is going well. It can be hard to get started, but once you’re on a roll, it kind of takes care of itself. :)

      • Jean, thanks! Yes, I am starting with walking, and that is aok.
        Just btw, I’m not sure whether you’ll see this reply…. I thought I clicked on both of these, however I’m not sure that feature is working:
        Notify me of follow-up comments by email.
        Notify me of new posts by email.

        Of course, I am not the best at keeping up-to-date on e-mail. :)

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