Reason No. 86 You’re Glad I’m Not Your Mom

Sam is super into music and he is also a teenager, which means that no matter how nice his mom is, she will never be not embarrassing to him when she’s asking, “Now this band is emo…tional and that band is pop…ular punk?”

Unfortunately, when you are 14, you are not old enough to drive yourself off to a concert by yourself and you probably don’t have your own Uber account, so sometimes your mom has to go with you to the concert.

Much to her delight.

Screeshot of a facebook status with a photo: I am the greatest mom in the world. I am at a fucking Blink 182 concert with my kid. The price: I am embarrassing the shit out of him. Image: Sam and I in front of the Marcus Amphitheater. I have a huge smile on my face and am making the biggest thumbs up sign in the world. Sam looks like he'd kill me with his eyes if he could.

He looks so saaaaaaad.

Blink-182 was playing near where we are staying right now in Wisconsin and their opening band is All Time Low, which is one of Sam’s favorites. Because Alex and I are awesome and how can you say no to that face above, we agreed to take him.

Sam decided I should take him to the concert instead of his father because Alex had taken him to a few concerts before.

Rookie mistake.

I kid. I was very well behaved. I mean, I thought I was well behaved. You’d think I was killing Sam in asking him to pose for a photo in front of the stage. Everyone else was taking selfies of themselves in front of the stage but I had to ambush Sam into a photo, which honestly, seems more embarrassing to me, but whatever.

Photo of Sam taken at close range in front of a stage.

We had great fucking seats. This kid is lucky is parents are so cool.

The concert was actually really fun. I tried to be unobtrusive and not too mom-like. When All Time Low was on, there were enough empty seats that I could remain sitting and still see, so I was able to stay off Sam’s radar that way.

I knew most of the songs from Sam’s incessant playing of them and the band was clever and entertaining. One of the bandmembers has a thing where he collects bras from the crowd on his mic stand and I think Sam thought I was going to be all feministly outraged and stand up with my indignant finger raised and pontificate on the objectification of women. But I didn’t. Much to Sam’s relief.

The band insisted that people sit on each others’ shoulders and they encouraged crowd surfing and of course the crowd obliged but security was having NONE OF IT. It was delightful.

Or totally rock star cool, which is what I think Sam would call it. And he is probably right.

Our seats were in the exact center of our row, which was awesome for watching the band, but less awesome for leaving your seats at set break for water or the bathroom so we remained where we were. I tricked Sam into taking a photo with me.

Selfie from below. I have a goofy grin. Sam looks serious.

Gawd, Mooooommmm.

If that photo makes it look like he didn’t know there was a camera there and I caught him unawares when he looked up from the book he was reading on his phone, then the photo is accurately conveying reality.

While Sam read and ignored me, I passed the time by making fun of him on Facebook. Then he would read what I wrote and the comments people made and he would sneer dismissively and then I would make more jokes on Facebook and the vicious cycle continued.

Then the next act came on. Blink-182 was good as well. Plus they made me feel better because if they were there, I wasn’t the oldest person in the stadium by a decade. I remembered some of their songs from my own youth, such as it was.

I did have to stand though, which was a bummer because I am old and infirm and get tired easily. I texted Alex that I was tired of standing and he responded with a YouTube clip of Nelson from the Simpsons saying, “Ha, ha!”

All things considered, I was really happy to be able to go with Sam. People always said that you only have so much time when your kids want to spend time with you so take advantage of it. I’m starting to realize how true that is. Soon he won’t need a parent to take him to shows and soon he probably won’t want a parent to take him to shows, so I will take advantage of these moments while I can.

Then, in a couple of years when I ask him if I can go to a concert with him and he rolls his eyes and tells me absolutely not, I can look back on this Blink-182 concert and remember the exact moment I made him never want to go to a concert with me again.

5 thoughts on “Reason No. 86 You’re Glad I’m Not Your Mom

  1. When we took the girls to. P@!D last week- the reminded us that in 2 years Alex can just drive them and they won’t need us anymore. Well except to pay for tickets, VIP parking and merch…..

  2. You totally should have whipped off your bra and tossed it on stage to be part of the mic bra display. Sam’s mind would have been BLOWN. It would have been epic.

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