Small Epiphanies

A long time ago, I figured out that I was autistic based largely on things I learned from Jack and because I was researching things about him. That, and other revelations about myself that stem from Jack (and also my other kiddos sometimes) still arrive from time to time and I always feel like a dumbass for not having figured them out sooner.

Let’s take breaks from school and routines for example. I have long known that Jack is far more regulated during the school year, when his days are structured and full. Within the past year, I’ve come to realize this about Quinn as well. He may complain endlessly about being forced to go to school, but he is far happier and put together when his days have routine than when he is untethered during summers or other extended school breaks.

I finally added a couple of things together in my head and realized that what I often refer to as ennui could be brought on at least partly by my own dysregulation from lack of structure and routine. I swear to god, I almost heard the BING! above my head as the lightbulb clicked on and I started flashing back to times when I have felt depressed and at loose ends for no real reason. I don’t really need to go into a lot of detail, but suffice it to say that I could trace this pattern back for years.

I had my revelation yesterday and although I know that it is not a problem so easily fixed, I decided to take a step in the right direction today by doing something other than sit on the couch, eat caramel corn, and feel depressed—and not just because I ran out of caramel corn.

Thus began Operation This House Will Be Spotless for the New Year, ensuring that the remainder of 2014 is regulated, tidy, and involves everyone being resentful and angry that I’m making them clean all the things.

I vacuumed under my couch, people.

I found french fries.

I felt a lot better today having a goal and getting something done. I understand that it’s not always as easy as “give a depressed person a task and they’ll feel better,” but today it helped. I think that recognizing that there is a pattern will help me at least recognize why I feel the way I do during these times and prepare myself for them.

Life is a process, folks. I’m getting there.

Sunny Days

Things are better, friends. I’m feeling a lot better. Part of my depression is/was chronic depression that I have dealt with for a long time. But I also have pretty severe PMDD and sometimes those two depressions work together and send me spiraling into a headspace where I isolate myself and don’t talk and sit in drippy black clouds for longer than I am used to.

I say this to let you know that those drippy clouds have been receding and I’ve been more reliable about taking my antidepressants and things have been getting better and this is a perfect segue into me telling you that last weekend was one of the best weekends I’ve had in a long time.

Everything came together in, like, a loveplosion of awesome. I have a list of things from last weekend that I want to write about and show you photos of, which, I believe, will be a vast improvement over, you know, nothing. Hopefully those words will actually materialize.

My weekend was full of friends from near and far, awesome kids, a moonbounce, candy corn, margaritas, cheering on Marine Corps Marathon runners, being with people who really get and love me, and sunny weather.

It’s just too bad there wasn’t more sleep. And there was no Segway ride. That would have made my weekend better. I’m just saying.

I’m a really lucky person. I’m so glad that the clouds are lifting so I can see that.