Sunday, May 18, 2008

Birthday Party: A Timeline

Friday, 11a: Instead of planning for Jack & Quinn's joint birthday party, write about how I haven't planned for Quinn & Jack's joint birthday party. 24 hours to go.

Friday, 11:30a-Saturday, 8:30a: Futz around. And sleep.

Saturday, 8:30 am: Find Alex's rendering of Darth Vader for "Pin the Light Saber on Darth Vader." Also find the action figure he modeled it on.

9 am: Sweep porch for second time. Stupid millions of tiny little seed leaves. Otherwise known around these parts as "tree sex."

9:30 am: Good weather! Yay! Long grass! Shit. Alex starts to mow the lawn.

9:45 am: Hear Alex cursing loud enough to be heard over the lawnmower from across the yard.

9:50 am: Retrieve bucket for ice and drinks. It's the cricket bucket. Shhh. Don't tell my guests.

9:58 am: Alex breaks lawn mower. Bent blades dig giant dirt patch in back lawn. Decide that mowed strips can function as finish line for impromptu races.

10:10 am: Desperately search for bandanna for Pin the Light Saber on Darth Vader. (Heretofore referred to as Pin the LSODV.) Crap. I have decluttered too thoroughly. Sam claims to have found one, but it turns out he's found a bag with a bandanna print on it. He pulls it tightly down over his head. I briefly consider it before realizing that no kid will let me come near him with that thing. Find one of Alex's ties instead.

10:18 am: Alex tries to convince me that lawn mower breaking was (1) not his fault, and (2) not worthy of being put on the internet. (How do you think that went for him?) "It's not my fault," he says. "I just went too close to that tree." That, my darling, is the definition of "fault."

10:20 am: In an attempt to blackmail me into silence, he locks me out of the house. My banging on the door brings Sam and Jack, whom Alex has coached to dance and chant, "I'm not going to let you in." Sam dances and chants. Jack opens the door. Can you guess who is my favorite? How'd that blackmailing work out for you, Alex?

10:40 am: Jack hurts his hip. His request for a bag of ice coincides with my entry into the house with a 16 lb. bag of ice. He is completely delighted.

10:45 am: Lock most of the pets upstairs. Put out perishables (fruit & veggies) and desirables (chips).

10:47 am: Explain the concept of "double dipping" to Quinn.

10:52 am: Sit and tap feet.

11 am: First guests arrive.

11:02 am: Brilliant guest suggests using cloth napkin for Pin the LSODV. Duh.

11:05 am: Dance party ensues in smallest, dirtiest part of my home.

11:07: Chaos ensues.

11:30 am: Try to corral children for Pin the LSODV and other party games. Kids are not really interested in organized activity. Manage to lure them for one game of Pin the LSODV by awarding tiny trophies for "winning." Rampant cheating ensues.

11:40 am: Take hilariously unflattering photo of Quinn brandishing his trophy.

11:45 am: Both of a friend's kids fall and hurt themselves. While sitting on the couch trying to comfort them, she bonks their heads together. Much crying ensues. I realize that there but for the grace of God go I.

Noon: Serve pizza, followed by awesomely home-baked and decorated cake. Plus ice cream!

Noon-thirty: Piñata. Fully expect kids to bash at it for twenty minutes before Alex finally takes it down and destroys it himself. Surprisingly, Sam knocks it in half after only Jack and Quinn have taken turns. Wait for tantrums from other kids who didn't get to hit the piñata, but they are too busy scavenging for candy and toys to be upset.

12:30 pm: More chaos and fun.

2:14 pm: Last guests leave. Sigh happily over a super fun party.

2:20 pm: Eat some cake. Here's a photo of me eating my cake:

That's not me, you say? Well, it's someone eating my cake.

2:30 pm: Bask in glow of (1) a party well thrown, and (2) the fact that there will be no more birthday parties in my family until October.



  1. Funniest post ever.

  2. crack me up. and then do it again. and again!

  3. Whew, I"m exhausted just reading about it. Sounds like a fun day for the little guys!! Happy Birthday to them!

  4. you moms with your birthday party madness. you just amaze me. I refuse to have birthday parties with kids at my house. we have family parties and Hubby's brother has a small soccer team of kids, so we pretend that counts.

    Seriously, you suck. I'm so jealous. :P

  5. Ange, you made me laugh really hard. Every year I tell myself that we're not going to have a party, or that it's going to be really small, and then every year we have at least 10 kids. (I think part of that is because I have three kids, which automatically makes it a big crowd.)


    And I love that Darth Vader, it is awesome.

    Smootches babe for having a fun and relatively stress free party.

  7. A job well done, I'd say. Happy Birthdays!!!

    Also, I have those exact same cloth MIL got them for me.

  8. Fabulous play-by-play. Sounds like a great party!

  9. You Rock !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    and you make me laugh,

    good post :)

  10. Awesome. Will you come throw Lumpyhead's birthday party, which should happen in less than two weeks, and which I haven't even begun to think about?

  11. HAHA! I love this part--

    "Retrieve bucket for ice and drinks. It's the cricket bucket. Shhh. Don't tell my guests."

  12. Hysterical... I hope you had another piece of cake lying around somewhere. You did good. Happy Birthday to Sam and Jack!

  13. I am so glad I am not the only person on teh planet who uses the word "futz."

    Now, excuse me, I have a birthday boy on Wednesday, and I haven;t even started planning the party yet- which may have to take place while I am on frickin' jury duty.

  14. Yeah I'm tired just reading that too. Love the cake split in 2 with 2 sets of candles! Great idea!

  15. Laughing at the "futz around" comment .... I was just explaining the meaning of "futz" to SB a few days ago.

    Looks like a great party .... happy birthday to Quinn and Jack!

  16. Alex's DV is soooo much better than my sketch of a Zephyr (type of train Atticus insisted I draw). I decided no more party games. Let them play, eat cake, and go home.


  17. You have missed your calling as a party planner.

  18. this was freakin' hiliarious. jim t (alex's work friend)

  19. This is by far the best birthday party recap I've ever read. I seriously feel like I missed out by not being there. ;-)

    p.s., I love Alex's rendering of Darth Vader.

  20. Great drawing of Darth Vader. That party sounded tiring!


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