Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Always the Bumbling Nincompoop

I'm not very bright sometimes.

Say you were sitting in your house and you were a little chilly. Would you:

(a) put on a sweater?
(b) turn up the heat?
(c) rip your thermostat off the wall?

I don't think I even need to tell you what a dumbass I am and which option I chose. See, there have been a couple times in the last month or so when our house has gotten very cold because the heat didn't click on for some reason or accidentally turned off. Or at least that's what Alex says. I haven't actually experienced this firsthand.

I had been cold in my house all afternoon, so when I was cold this evening—and, just to let you know, I am always cold, even when it's warm—I flashed on the secondhand assumption that there might be a problem with our furnace very occasionally. Even though there was no actual evidence of such a thing.

Then I flashed on a story a friend of mine told me a couple of weeks ago when her furnace didn't work and her husband took the front of the thermostat off and replaced the batteries and everything worked all of a sudden.

So I walked into the living room, ascertained that there was a seam in the thermostat that could possibly be opened, and yanked the entire damn thing off the wall. Evidently the seam doesn't open OR its seal is stronger than that which adhered (note the past tense there) the thermostat to the wall.

I stood there looking at it because I HAD JUST RIPPED MY THERMOSTAT ENTIRELY OFF OF MY WALL. And there were no batteries to be seen. Yeah, there were all sorts of pins and shit, like bits of metal that were obviously precisely placed to conduct...heat? Electricity? Something.

So I did exactly what you would expect of someone who is as much of a fucking disaster as I am.

I jammed it back onto the wall and left the house for the meeting I was scheduled to attend.

I'm home now and the house seems warm, so I guess I didn't irreparably break it. Yet.

I am such an embarrassing person.


  1. I feel totally responsible for this mishap. I'm sorry.

  2. oh how I love your posts. You are amazing.

  3. I've done the same with the smoke detector. Glad it all worked out...

  4. You sound like my Dad. Once he noticed that one of our toilet seats was crooked. He decided to try to knock it back into alignment with a hammer. What happens to porcelain when you accidentally slam it with a hammer? I think you can guess what happened.

    And of course I take after my Dad in this respect 100%.

  5. OMG, I am peeing my pants laughing over here!!!! I can totally see you jamming it on the wall and running the other way!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

    I would totally do the same thing. :)

  6. LMAO. Sorry.

    Some thermostat's have a little cover that folds open and you can change the batteries. Others are hardwired into your house (we have both).

    I'd blame the kids. Seriously. Because I know at my house, it gets cold occasionally and I'll go check, and sure enough, it's off. To turn it off, you need to open the little cover and flip some switches, so it's not an accident that it get's shut off). it's Moe and her stinking little trouble making fingers.

  7. The big question is, did Alex notice? And if not, have you told him?

  8. Too funny! At least your boys didn't see this happen. Just imagine what they would then think it was okay to do in the house! -M

  9. I am SO much more embarrasing than you.

  10. LOL! Sounds like something I would do...But you are so brave to publicly admit you did it!

  11. As soon as I read your choices - I knew which one it was. Man you make me laugh!

  12. ROFL... Seriously. that DOES sound like something I'd do! I can just see you standing there with the busted thermostat in your hand, like, "Oh shit..."

  13. I now know why we got along so well.


  14. Well, clearly, it was totally superfluous! I'd just throw it away.

  15. I've been thinking of getting a slanket off of QVC. I'll see if they have volume discounts.

  16. Holy Shit! This is hysterical! Yes, next time get a sweater, have a drink and rethink the wall destruction. Although it makes for a good blog post! :-)

  17. I would totally do this. And hide it from my husband.


Thanks for commenting! May you be visited by unicorns and kittens.