2nd Annual What Google Thinks I Wrote About This Year

Instead of going through all the trouble to find a fun and pithy way to summarize 2008, I’ve decided once again to let Google do it for me. Google search terms are in bold.

We had some holdovers from last year’s Google searches that people are still finding here. I think we can agree that I am the foremost authority on autism and constipation (although I’m referring to two different kids here), on suppositories, and on poop.

I do get some good poop related searches though. For instance: enema & suppository fun Check with Quinn. Based on his reaction, I don’t think they are. However, I’m starting to believe that there is a substantial group of you out there who think they are.

Also:
“trying to hold it” +poop There’s Quinn for you.
glycerin suppository dog ate It probably won’t kill him.
poop on my doop I don’t know what this means, but there are a surprising number of people searching for any number of variations on Poop Poop Poop A Doop.
disestablishmentarianism suppositories How were there search results for this?
IS IT OKAY TO GIVE A DOG A SUPPOSITORY I’d check with a vet. And your dog.
video instructions on how to give a suppository to another person I don’t know a lot, but I do know that I don’t want to see this video.

What else? Well, there are a lot of people out there who are as interested in gerbils as I am. But they want to do some weird things to them: gerbil snorkel, scary gerbils, gerbils you can rent or buy. Doesn’t everyone know about www.rentagerbil.com?

Jack had a fit of burping late last year. People are still visiting Stimeyland to find out about it. I got a lot of burp thumb forehead and some girls who can burp. I am also interested to know why kids burp over and over. And if someone tells me why do boys like to burp, I’ll be forever grateful, because I get the feeling I’m going to be dealing with a lot of this in the next few years.

I wrote a post involving Rachael Ray early this year. I’ve gotten lots of searches looking for her. Also, just so you know, if you put her name and the word “fucking” in the title of your post, you’re going to get a lot of queries about that specifically. People are also interested in her ziti.

You might remember the great ant farm fiasco of aught-eight. And the nightmares. And the trauma. Google remembers too. I’d like to apologize here to all the people looking for the TV show Prison Break, who were brought here after searching for prison break updates. I do hope I was able to help those interested in disposing of pet ants ant farm. And for those of you wondering about strange behavior ants carry off dead ants? They do. I’ve seen it in two different colonies. Those of you looking for extreme ant farm advice or information on caring for harvester ants? You should probably keep looking.

Late last year I asked WWSD? I meant What Would Stimey Do? Apparently though, that is not the common meaning of the acronym. Welcome to Stimeyland, satan worshippers!

People searching for sisterhood made it here. I’m happy to have you!

There were also a few days when I was in the top ten Google searches for wedgies. I consider that to be one of my proudest blogging accomplishments. It also resulted in a hilarious twitter conversation and an unofficial “wedgie day” when several of us slipped the word into our posts.

There were a lot of search terms that made me laugh. Such as…

ate too much cake threw up vomit As opposed to throwing up…what?

photos of grumpy people You’ll find ‘em here. Mostly Sam and Alex.

puking before school in the car You’ll find ‘em here. Mostly Jack and Quinn.

mom three boys try for a girl I get lots of these searches. I’d like to say that I’m completely happy with my three boys and have no plans to try for a girl. Frankly, I wouldn’t know what to do with her if I had one.

catastrophysing I’m not sure where this one came from, but what a fun word!

you are the reason, you are the one Ironically, this search term brought up this post.

My Briliant Brain Please notice that Mr. Smrt misspelled “brilliant.”

greatest accomplishment in history I was the first result for this search. What is the greatest accomplishment? Jack ate a sliver of green bean.

why are babies made Fuck if I know. I just know how they’re made.

MY THREE YEAR OLD IS TERRIBLE I think this might be the funniest search term of all year. And it amuses me that it brought someone here. My three-year-old can be terrible too. We should hang out.

why everything “you do” “half assed” Please note the whole-ass usage of quotation marks. No half-asser would use quotation marks on a Google search.

pregnant gals and a mime Thank you, Jerry Springer!

child cannot ride bike or tie shoes Don’t worry, you’re not alone. But be prepared to feel bad about yourself if you spend less than two hours a day cleaning.

how to build a lego table Who knew when I made this for Jack that I was performing such a public service? I have a lot of people coming here to learn about this.

“bad medical advice” internet No! Bad medical advice? On the internet? I. Cannot. Believe. It.

academically talented and evil Do you think they were looking for Sam or for Jack?

ming ming wonder pets emoticon Emoticons are getting specific, aren’t they?

three boys decide to go have some fun at the local swimming hole. shortly after they arrive, something terrible happens. Jeez. In related news, my kids are no longer allowed to go to the local swimming hole.

But maybe the biggest compliment, if Google searches can bestow compliments, were these types of searches: i love my kids, i love my children blogspot, and i love my kid blog. In these cases, Google brought them to the right place.

Have a Safe and Happy New Year!

Why Stimey?

Quinn has been interested lately in names and nicknames and first names and last names. His status quo is to call me by my first name, but he says my nickname is “mom,” and he knows we all have the same last name. He’s very curious about names and their various permutations.

Today I decided to switch it up on him and instead of telling him that my nickname is “mom,” I told him that it is “Stimey.”

To which he replied: “Slimy? Because you’re slimy?” And then he spent the rest of the afternoon calling me Slimy.

I immediately tweeted about it and got some responses from some of you curious as to why my nickname is Stimey.

Well, the story of Stimey is also the story of the two years I lived in LA whilst attending USC for graduate school. I made a friend there who became my best friend, and who promptly dumped me when I moved back to northern California to be with Alex. Like seriously dumped. I would email and write letters and he never returned any of my messages. It was a little tragic.

Anywho.

At some point he asked if I had ever had a nickname. I hadn’t because there are not many good nicknames you can make out of my first name. He said I needed a nickname and out of nowhere he said, “I will call you Stimey.” And that is the story of Stimey. It was a lovely private thing between the two of us when we were friends, but since I was unceremoniously dumped, I decided to take the nickame back. And now it’s mine.

And that is the story of Stimey.

Real Sports

You may know that I am trying to get back in shape. I’m not a big resolution maker, but I think I may make a resolution this year. Not necessarily to lose weight, but to become more active—to get some exercise every day. Because I want to be healthy and I want to set a good example for my kids.

The Wii Fit is part of that. I’m hoping to use that to get into good enough shape to be able to do more strenuous exercise, including training for and possibly running a half marathon later this spring.

Another part of my more active/good example resolution is that I got my kids a tetherball set for Christmas. When I was a kid, my family had a tetherball set and I remember playing that thing to death. My sister and I would run and jump and laugh hysterically around that tetherball pole. I want the same for my kids.

First, though, we had to set the thing up. And by “we,” I mean “Alex, with a little help from Sam.” Here were the steps he followed:

Step 1: Pound the pole into the ground and assemble the pieces.


Step 2: Unknot noose-like knot on the string.


Step 3: Respond to wife’s question about if you’re excited about tetherball with, “Well, it involves everything I like: Hammering things into the ground. Knots.” [Roll eyes.]

Best photo since this.

Step 4: Attach ball to pole and drop it on the ground. Ask sarcastically, “Is this really what it’s supposed to look like?”


Step 5: Adjust the length of the string and play an awesome trial game.


Step 6: Determine that the pole is too wobbly and needs to be pounded in more. Enlist sledgehammer help from 7-year-old.


Step 7: Whack on the pole with a sledgehammer.


Step 8: Notice that pole is now deformed and will no longer assemble correctly. Mutter “I need…” Glare when after your wife suggests “Pliers?” your son suggests “Strength?”


Step 9: Fix the problem.

Step 10: Watch your children happily play a sport outside. Watch your youngest child get wonked by the ball and fall over.


Step 11: Realize that this tetherball set might bring your family a lot of joy.


Now we’re going to go get our tetherball groove on.

Lights, Camera, Tantrum

We went to the holiday lights show at our local nature center tonight. I wish someone had reminded me to re-read last year’s post about the light show wherein I detailed Sam’s ill behavior. Next year we’re getting him a babysitter.

I don’t know why I can’t remember that Sam really needs to be prepped before activities like this. We really needed to sit him down before we got out of the car to tell him that we would be walking through the lights for a good amount of time, that we expected good, compliant behavior from him, and that if he was well-behaved he would get hot chocolate.

With Sam, it really only takes that much. (Usually.)

What really happened is that Sam was happy for a few minutes then started whining about wanting to go home. Then, because it was a warm night, he wanted someone to carry his coat. Then he wanted to go home. Then he was bored. Then he didn’t want to go that direction. Then he wanted to go home. Then he was mad at me because I finally carried through on my “if you don’t behave better, you’re not going to be able to play any video games tomorrow” threat. Then he wanted to go home. Then he was mad at me because I didn’t agree with his “if I can’t play video games tomorrow, then Jack and Quinn can’t play video games tomorrow either” theory.

Sam before it all went bad.

We had a different kind of trouble with Quinn. As mentioned, it was unseasonably warm today, which is one of the reasons we went tonight. Because it was so warm (and also because Alex took the little dudes swimming today), Quinn was wearing flipflops. Which wasn’t a good idea because, well, because he’s three, and three-year-olds aren’t good at wearing flipflops—especially oversized flipflops that belong to their older brother.

As with Sam, things were okay for a while.

Fox made out of lights?! Woofy goodness!

Then Alex led us up a dark set of stairs to nowhere. Really. They ended in a grassy field. And because they went nowhere, there were no lights nearby. Quinn and I were following everyone else up the stairs when he told me he’d lost his shoe. Alex and group continued walking. He’d lost the shoe about 16 times before this, so I was sure we’d find it immediately.

Not so.

Quinn and I tried to find his shoe, to no avail. Honestly, I cannot figure out where it went. I used my camera flash to make light to find it, I looked all over the path ten feet in each direction, I felt around inside the bush he claimed it flew into.


No shoe.

Eventually I gave up and tracked down the rest of my semi-belligerent family. Things worked out okay for Quinn though.

Notice, no shoes.
Also notice surly Sam.

Fortunately, per usual, and sort of ironically, Jack was the least problematic of everyone.

Although once that bear gets going,
it might cause Jack some problems.

So there you are. And seriously, come next December, please remind me that the light show is nothing but trouble for Team Stimey.

DCMM: It’s 12:25. Do You Know Where Your Children Are?

It was a regular run of the mill day as far as I was concerned. My kindergartner and first grader were at school. My three-year-old and I were looking for something to do. As I left the house to meet friends at 10 a.m., I had no idea that the schools would be suddenly closed early and my kids would be dropped off by their buses at 12:40.

See, earlier this morning a water main broke on River Road. This was a big deal with four feet of water trapping cars, causing a huge traffic jam, and resulting in helicopter rescues. Another side effect is that some Montgomery County schools were left without power or water, so the school district closed schools district wide at 12:25 after a half day.

I was lucky. My playdate ended at 11:30 and I came home to feed my youngest his lunch. When I got home, there was a message on my answering machine. It was an automated call from my kids’ school letting me know that school was letting out early. I am just glad that I happened to be home at that time. There are many days when I would never have gotten that message.

On a snowy day I would have known to check for updates to see if schools were closed early. But today, while I knew the water main break was a huge problem, it never occurred to me that it would affect the schools. Had I not happened to be home to get the call, I might not have known.

I am also lucky that because I have a special ed child, his teacher ended up calling to make sure I would be able to  pick him up from the bus. But my cell phone wasn’t with me and that call ended up going to my husband. Again, I’m just happy that the fates worked out and all our information got through.

I made a couple of calls to neighbors to make sure that they knew their children would be getting off the bus unexpectedly. Still there was one second grader that I had to bring home with me because her mom hadn’t heard. Our bus driver was doing a good job trying to make sure that everyone had someone to greet them at the stop.

But still I wonder how many children will be getting off of buses this afternoon with no one to meet them. I wonder how many worried second graders won’t have keys to the house. I wonder if there is a better system for letting parents know that school is unexpectedly being let out early.

Original DC Metro Moms Blog post.

Jean also writes at her main blog, Stimeyland.

Guess Who Rocks and Guess Who Is the Asshole

Hint: Stimey is ALWAYS the asshole.

Remember how we weren’t getting a lot of extras this year because of unexpected expenses? Well, it turns out that this means that Stimey buys this for Alex for Christmas:

Yeah, that’s a Boba Fett mug.

And Alex got bought this for Stimey:

Although I could have done without the effect of my little
Mii character ballooning to a larger size after
the system calculated my BMI.

Oh, and do you see how the second photo is way better than the first? That’s because he also got me a kick-ass camera. So our check to our educational consultant may bounce, but I’ll be able to take fantastic photos of us on our way into bankruptcy court.

Okay, it’s not as bad as all that. Turns out that Alex had his own middle of the night fund and he used that to buy stuff for me.

Let me take this opportunity to remind you of something:


*****

In other news, this was Jack’s favorite gift:

No, not the Lego table, but the Lego R2D2 that
came with a watch my sister gave him.

I Santa finally broke down and got the little dudes guns laser blasters.

Charlie’s Angels, here he comes!

And Quinn actually lived on the island of Sodor for today. It was all Thomas the Tank Engine, all the time.

Well, there was some chocolate too.

*****

And a Merry Christmas was had by all. Everyone is happy and stuffed with food and clad in new jammies.

I hope you had a good day too.
Even if—especially if—your day consisted
of Chinese food and a movie.