Sunday, August 26, 2018

(Not) Run-zo

So. I haven't been running. After I saw my ortho in July and he broke my heart, I decided to take all of August off and maybe try running again in September. As it is not yet September, I haven't started running yet.

Because my plan is to wear the fuck out of my current knees then get new bionic ones that will surely be all kinds of technologically awesome in five to ten years, and then run the shit out of those, I am not overly concerned about long-term damage. In fact, at this point, I kinda am Team Long-Term Damage. What I'm afraid of is that I will go running and my knees will hurt really bad and then I won't be able to run even though I don't care about my knee health.

I mean, my whole thing, my whole ability to be okay with being a slow, chubby runner is that I am staying healthy so I can live and exercise until I'm really old. When I track and limit the food I eat and work out hard and still don't lose weight and I get angry at my body, I try to pull back and remember that even though it's not exactly how I want it, I should love my body because it is strong and it can run far and it does amazing things. And now it can't. And I'm dealing with a sense of being betrayed by it.

Although my knees only really hurt when I try to sit down or stand up, so as long as I remain either standing all the time or sitting all the time, I should be fine. And really, its only a problem if I'm going more than 90 degrees. *starts hauling all the low chairs in my house to a backyard bonfire*

I mean, a smarter plan would be to do leg-strengthening work, actually somehow lose weight, and do some research on what the best options are for me. So far, I've successfully started with step one. I have a Peloton now and I ride a lot and I do leg and core work through their digital app, so at least I'm not sitting on my couch eating potato chips.

I am absolutely obsessed with the Peloton (that's a whole other post), but being a runner is such a big part of my identity. I don't want to lose it. And I love to run. I just really love it. Even when it's hard, even when it sucks, even when it is hot and humid or freezing cold, I fucking love to run. I can't imagine not doing it.

After school starts, I think I'll start running on my treadmill exclusively for a while and will definitely ease into mileage. I'll let you know how it goes.

Sunday, August 19, 2018

(Not) Done-zo

It has been a rough summer. In my grumpier moments I've considered peace-outing and just putting up a post here that says THE END even though I knew even as I was thinking it that I would regret it.

A lot of my angst has been that we have been super busy. I have regularly spent up to FOUR HOURS A DAY or more driving one kid here and then sprinting over to this other location to pick up another one while abandoning the third at home and then hurrying back to pick up the first one and repeat, repeat, repeat. The first two months of my summer felt like an elaborate puzzle where the pieces were getting my kids to places and home and not forgetting anyone anywhere while still trying to fit in work, my physical therapy, and all the regular appointments of daily life that never end.

Spoiler alert: I did it! Also, I was only late picking kids up 3 times and with all the pickups I did, that is an excellent on-time rate. In addition, big thanks to my homies (Gayle, Heather, Alex) who helped me when it was just not possible for me to be in two places at one time.

I did manage to get one on-going activity within walking distance of my home, which was Katie's driver's ed, chosen specifically for that reason. Sorry, Katie. Also, the irony.

June and July were spent going to physical therapy for my knee twice a week, which significantly added to my scheduling difficulties. That went really well and ended with the therapists putting me on the treadmill and me feeling great about myself followed a week later by an appointment with my orthopedist wherein I waited an hour past my appointment time for him to walk in and take five minutes to destroy my heart with words like "after seeing inside your knee" and "no more than two to three miles a couple times a week" and "you can do long runs, but you'll need a total knee replacement in five to ten years" and that's when my grumpier moments solidified into complete despair. I was way ahead in working through my five stages of grief because I hit depression by the time I made it back to the parking lot.

I have a lot more to say about that, including my plan to get two total knee replacements in five to ten years, but that is for another post.

For now, I am pleased to report that my schedule is lifting. I had three days this week that, until a couple of days ago were completely empty squares on my calendar (two of them are now filled with a trip to a trampoline park and an echocardiogram FOR MY CAT), but I had a day where I just sat around and did nothing and it was great.

To recap: This was a rough summer. It rained a lot. We didn't go on any vacations. There was a lot of drudgery in driving everyone around. I had a lot of working mom guilt. I only ran four times all summer. Projects I started got dropped. It was hard to get anything done. My kids bickered with each other all the time. It also felt like they played video games all summer long.

But there was a lot of good too. While I was driving my munchkins around all of Maryland, they were attending fun and educational camps and hanging out with their friends. I was able to go to New York City twice to see shows on Broadway. Alex continues to amuse. I only work part time and it is for an organization I deeply believe in so my guilt is mitigated. I got to spend some good time with my own friends. There was a lot of joy in small moments.

That is why even though this summer was exhausting, I'm not ready for it to end. When I fall into my depressed or irritated spaces, I try to remember that it is temporary. I am decidedly NOT done-zo. But I am looking forward to some empty squares on my calendar once school starts.