Thursday, December 31, 2020

Don't Let the Door Hit You In the Ass On the Way Out, 2020

 Happy fucking new year, amirite?

I love how when there is a particularly crappy year, we're all somehow convinced that the calendar ticking over to January is going to mean things will be better. In fact, they're not better, and may in fact be worse, but at least there isn't an entire calendar of shit holding up the specific calendar square on which we stand.

That said, I see very little way that 2021 could possibly outdo 2020 on the What the Fuck is Happening This Year Scale of Crappiness.

(Universe: "hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!")

When I reflect on 2020, it has been really awful. So many people are dead, are sick, have lost their dreams and livelihoods. I am so lucky to have been on the light end of the loss scale this past year. I see that, I acknowledge it, and I am grateful for it.

My beloved uncle died this year and my family is heartbroken by his absence. I don't know how to finish that paragraph other than saying (without hyperbole) that our lives and the world are a sadder place without him.

Otherwise, my family has escaped relatively unscathed. We've missed trips, lost celebrations, struggled through virtual school, and mourned not seeing friends in person. And don't even get me started on how the pandemic and fear of public transportation has delayed my Project Crow. I have three kids and it's starting to look like two of them will miss in-person high school graduations. Katie had to start college from a spot in our home office. But we had it easier than a lot of people and are certainly grateful.

On the plus side, my sister and her wife, both doctors, have received their first vaccinations. I have a car so I don't have to worry about taking public transportation. My family is healthy. I have been able to stay connected with friends online. I am lucky to be able to telework most days, meaning I get back two hours of commute time every work day that I am home. My kids are old enough that I don't have to watch them every second. For the most part, they have been able to handle virtual school. I have spent more time with my family that I ever thought I would this year. Things are okay.

Photo of Jean
Photo for visual interest.

I was able to accomplish fully half of my 2020 resolutions, partly because of the pandemic and all that time I saved on commuting. I surpassed my resolution to read 25 books this year (I read 26!) and hit both of my fitness resolutions (my injuries healed enough for me to run again and I lost weight — 55+ pounds since April). It wasn't a resolution, but I am properly medicated for probably the first time in my life, giving me a baseline of solid ground instead of my usual baseline of drippy gray despair. (If you're not properly medicated for depression and anxiety, you should fucking pursue it because let me tell you, it changes everything.)

I don't imagine that everything will change in 2021. I think the president will be a vast improvement, but the country will not magically change come January 20. We will be masked and not allowed to travel for months to come. Two of my babies will likely leave me and go to college. Readjusting to non-pandemic living is going to be a challenge.

But I have hope. And hope is something we need.

I also have resolutions, which we don't all need, but which I like to have: 

I considered upping my reading goal to 30 books, but decided to stick with 25. Maybe next year I'll increase it.

I want to reach my goal weight. I am far closer to that now than I am to where I started, so I think I can get there. I would also like to be clear why I am losing weight. Part of it is internalized diet culture, yes, no matter how hard I try to be immune to it and how much I believe it is bullshit. Most of it, however, is because I want to be able to run better. I want to be lighter so my joints aren't burdened as much and so I am less likely to be injured. I also know that losing pounds increases my speed and damn if it isn't fun to see my average pace go down.

I plan to resume Project Crow as soon as I get both parts of my vaccine. I find myself looking longingly at Metro stations and paths that run by them. I can't wait to get back on them.

My most major resolution is probably to declutter my house. I want to move systematically room by room and make this the house I want to live in. Because "Kon Mari the fuck out of my house" was one of my failed resolutions for last year, I am going to put some thought into an action plan for this.

My last resolution is to decrease time-wasting. This resolution probably also needs some fleshing out. Maybe my word for 2021 will be "efficiency." (Universe: "hahahahahahahahahah")

Big love to all of you and I send wishes that 2021 improves upon this year for you—for all of us.


  1. So wonderful hearing from you again! Congratulations on that weight loss! Here's hoping 2021 is way better. My best to Alex.

  2. Great to hear from you. Out twins Primo and Secondo are hitting high school and making it through virtual life. Onwards and upwards, amiright? Cheers, Fairlington Blade


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